


The Broken Ones

by iSneezeStars



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, F/M, M/M, Multi, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Suicide Attempt, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-03
Updated: 2016-11-22
Packaged: 2018-02-19 16:26:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 30,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2395046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iSneezeStars/pseuds/iSneezeStars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sleep. Get up. Put on her armor. Face the day and smile. Smile. Smile! Come home and break down. This was the way Darcy Lewis lived her life. Her eyes opened and she sighed.</p><p>“God damn it,” she slurred. She was awake and staring at her blurred ceiling. She had woken up again. Why? Why couldn’t she just not exist? Why couldn’t she have passed away in her sleep? At least then she wouldn’t have to pretend like there was a point to her life. She wouldn’t have to pretend like she mattered. She did the same thing every day, day in and day out. Wake up, get up, go to work, play babysitter, pretend she was fine, come home, cry and sleep. Then she would get up and do it all again. What point was there to her life? She wasn’t Jane; she wasn’t making scientific discoveries or trying to make the world a better place. She didn’t have someone to come home to at night, someone who loved her. She had nothing and no one… so what was the point of living?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It Hurts So Good

The Broken Ones

Chapter One:   
It Hurts So Good

\---

Sleep. Get up. Put on her armor. Face the day and smile. _Smile_. **_Smile!_**

Sleep. Get up. Put on her armor. Face the day and smile. _Smile_. **_Smile!_**

Sleep. Get up. Put on her armor. Face the day and smile. _Smile_. **_Smile!_**

\---

Sleep. Get up. Put on her armor. Face the day and smile. _Smile_. **_Smile!_** Come home and break down. This was the way Darcy Lewis lived her life. Her eyes opened and she sighed.

“God damn it,” she slurred. She was awake and staring at her blurred ceiling. She had woken up again. Why? Why couldn’t she just not exist? Why couldn’t she have passed away in her sleep? At least then she wouldn’t have to pretend like there was a point to her life. She wouldn’t have to pretend like she mattered. She did the same thing every day, day in and day out. Wake up, get up, go to work, play babysitter, pretend she was fine, come home, cry and sleep. Then she would get up and do it all again. What point was there to her life? She wasn’t Jane; she wasn’t making scientific discoveries or trying to make the world a better place. She didn’t have someone to come home to at night, someone who loved her. She had nothing and no one… so what was the point of living?

Rolling over she squinted at her clock. If she didn’t get out of bed soon, she would be late, but she just couldn’t bring herself to move. A hollowness settled deep within her chest that began to fill with nothing but despair.

“It’s time to get out of bed Miss Lewis,” said the aristocratic English voice from nowhere.

“Morning JARVIS,” Darcy greeted the disembodied voice and threw an arm over her eyes.

“Good Morning, Miss Lewis,” he replied.

There was always JARVIS, he would notice if she didn’t get out of bed in the morning. Sighing, she heaved herself up and untangled herself from her blankets. By the time she had managed that, she was already tired again; it just took so much effort. Walking over to the bathroom, she looked at the shower and frowned. Did she have to shower? She couldn’t do it, not today… besides, no one would notice if she showered or not. Turning to the sink she began to brush her teeth in circular motions. Her hand felt heavy and sluggish but she forced herself to finish.

Spit and rinse.

She looked up at herself in the mirror and cringed. Her skin was too pale, her under eye circles too dark, her hair looked like a rat’s nest and her lips were too big. But the real problem, the _real_ problem, was the dead look in her eyes. The look that said she’d all but given up on life. It was a look that would draw attention. She was a mess. Rolling up her sleeves she got to work. Hair up in a messy bun, concealer to hide the dark circles and glasses to hide her eyes. Bright red lipstick on her lips that yelled ‘look at my mouth and not my eyes’. All she needed now was clothing. Trudging to her closet, she picked out an oversized sweater and a pair of yoga pants. Easy. Done. She practically wore the same thing every day. Something baggy that hid her figure. Looking in the mirror, she gave herself a once over and sighed. It would have to do. It was time to go.

\---

“Jane,” Darcy said in a tone that would have caught most people’s attention. “Jane,” she tried a little louder. “Jane,” she all but shouted and put the plate of Pop-tarts she was holding down on the table in front of the small woman.

“Darcy, you are stopping science!” Jane glared.

“Science needs a Pop-tart,” Darcy said with a grin. “Eat it or I’ll tell Thor.”

“Slave driver.” Picking up one of the thin pastries, she bit into it with a face that said _happy now_.

“Next time I’ll bring my whip,” Darcy joked.

“Darcy, why do you have whip?” Tony asked, poking his head around one of the machines he was working on.

“Extracurricular activities.”

Over in his own workspace Bruce coughed and tried to hide a smile. Winking she picked up her iPod, intent on ignoring Tony.

“Go on, I’m intrigued,” he purred.

“Oh look it’s a party!” Darcy smiled, ignoring him as she welcomed the newcomers.

“Ma’am” Steve greeted her as he entered the room. Rolling her eyes, she gagged at the acknowledgment. “Miss Lewis,” he tried to correct himself.

“Darcy,” she said, like he should know this by now. They had met a handful of times and every time she told him to call her by her first name.

“Darcy,” Bucky greeted her from behind the Captain with a smirk.

“Miss Lewis,” she corrected him.

“You wound me.” He clutched his chest in mock pain.

“Oh, I didn’t realize the Tin Man had a heart. Or are you just here for a tune up?” she said, nodding over at Tony.

“Ouch! If I did have a heart, it would be broken right now, that’s for sure.”

“You’ll get over it.” She shrugged. “Shoo, before Frankenstein gets antsy that no one’s paying attention to him.” Darcy waved them in and towards Tony. They weren’t here to see her, that was for sure. They barely knew each other. But a girl could dream.

“I can’t decide whether to be offended that you compared me to Frankenstein or that amused that you underhandedly called Barnes his monster,” said Tony, wiping his hands on a rag.

“Tony!” Steve all but jumped on him.

“No harm done,” said Bucky holding up his hands.

“Frankenstein was a genius,” Darcy avoided the topic and tried not to blush.

“No, I’m a genius, Frankenstein was a hack,” he admonished, his narcissism saving her from an embarrassing moment.

“Don’t you have something else to be doing, Tony?” Jane rolled her eyes and pushed the half eaten Pop-tart off her papers.

“Did you know Darcy owns a whip… for extracurricular activities?” he waggled his eyebrows at the two super soldiers.

“Stark!” Jane barked, saving her.

“Alright, alright.” He held up his hands. “Right this way gentlemen.” He ushered them over to his work area and began picking up random tools. As mortifying as that conversation had been, at least she had some eye candy for the next little bit. Sitting down, Darcy put in her headphones and began to pretend to work.

\---

Darcy’s shoulders sagged as she stepped onto the elevator. The last hour had been so unnerving, pretending to work so she could ogle the boys and totally getting caught by Tony. Fortunately for her he had the amazing grace not to say anything. He only winked at her and moved so she had a better view of them. The doors to the elevator began to close when a metal hand stopped them, causing Darcy to grown inwardly. Making their way onto the elevator, Steve and Bucky nodded at her and pressed the button for their floor. Silence surrounded the trio.

“So this is awkward,” Darcy said casually, not able to handle the silence. Steve coughed once and looked up a small smile on his face, while Bucky grinned at her. “Listen about that Frankenstein comment… Tony just has a way of twisting people’s words,” Darcy explained.

“No harm done,” he said again with a wink.

“Cool because you’re not a monster anymore anyway, you’re a real boy now… and that arm is pretty sweet,” she rambled. She had a tendency to do that when she was uncomfortable.

“Darcy!” Steve cautioned her, the small smile from earlier gone.

“Relax, Steve.” Bucky put a hand on the other man’s shoulder as the elevator opened on her floor. With a small sigh of relief Darcy stepped out and onto her floor.

“Excuse me, I’m going to go drown myself now.” She pointed in the direction of her room.

“See yah, Doll,” Bucky laughed good-naturedly.

“Ma’am.” Steve nodded to her stiffly as the doors closed on them. What the hell was wrong with her?

\---

Walking through the door to her room she dropped her purse and plodded over to the bed. Crashing into it she didn’t even bother to change as she flung off her shoes and curled up into a ball. Today had been embarrassing and she wanted it to end. Pulling the blankets up over her she lay there replaying scenes from the day. She was so awkward.

The thing was, Darcy thought she shouldn’t feel the way she did. There was no reason for it. She had a job most people would kill for. She knew a billionaire, superheroes and a God. She had a family that loved her and she supposed she had what most people considered friends. So why was it that every morning she woke up feeling so empty? She didn’t know.

She had the notion once to tell Jane how she felt. She had tried but the words wouldn’t come out and then Jane said the words that had haunted her ever since:

“You’re always so strong, Darcy.”

And the words went away. Darcy wasn’t seen as sad or pitiful. She was perceived as the strong, sarcastic girl with the great rack. That was what people expected, no, _needed_ from her. Everyone needed her to be strong, so that’s what she would be. Everyone around her had real problems and real issues and they were still working to make the world a better place.

If she couldn’t change the world, maybe she could change the people around her for the better. Even if it was only a smile when they needed it. She could be what they needed her to be. Even if that meant she had to keep up an act, she could do it. She was an A+ actor. If anyone knew how good she actually was, she’d surely win an Oscar. So she would keep it to herself. It didn’t matter that she went home at night and cried for a few hours or that she had to force herself to do the smallest of things. It didn’t matter because she didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered was not bothering anybody with her silliness.

\---

_A.N: So I don’t know how I feel about this story, nor do I have any real plans for it. I just wanted to write something about depression and The Avengers and then I made that graphic and BAM this happened. I have no idea if this story is any good or if I should continue it. If you have any ideas on where to take this drop them in a comment for me to read._

_Friend me on_ [ _Tumblr_ ](http://isneezestars.tumblr.com/) _and_ [Twitter](https://twitter.com/JDUrsini) _if you want to keep up with me. Let’s talk. **Seriously**. Check out my profile to find out more about me_ _._


	2. I Used to Know Him

The Broken Ones

Chapter Two:   
I used to know him

\---

Darcy struggled with the boxes Stark had instructed her to bring down to the lobby. She pinned them between the wall of the elevator and her body using her weight to keep the boxes steady. She could put them down but the effort it would take to lift them back up again wasn’t worth it. Also, it would be much more difficult to lift them back up now that they weren’t on a table. So it was best she just held onto them.

Huffing, she blew a strand of hair off of her face. Why was she doing this again? Didn’t Stark have lackeys for this? She was pretty sure he has muscle bound lackeys that could deal with heavy boxes better then she could. Of course she could have also taken the boxes down one at a time but who had time for that? The elevator slowed to a stop on the _soldier’s_ floor as Darcy liked to call it. She made a face at the doors, unsure of whether she should perk up or sigh. Slowly sliding open, the doors revealed none other than the Captain himself and his trusty two sidekicks. They stared at each other for a beat before Steve nodded.

“Ma’am,” he said. Causing Darcy to roll her eyes.

“Darcy,” he corrected himself as he stepped into the elevator and frowned at her, taking in her predicament.

“Would you l-”

“Help her, Punk!” Bucky pushed him forward and winked at her as he stepped onto the elevator.

“It’s fi-”

“I was going to offer, before you interrupted,” Steve cut her off and scowled at Bucky. Bending down he took the boxes out of her arms without so much as a huff of effort.

“Okay, thank you.” Darcy shook out her arms awkwardly. “Yay for having muscles.”

“They do come in handy,” Sam laughed as he pressed the button for the man floor. Giving them a once over, Darcy noted they were dressed to go running. That’s what they must be going to do, she thought.

“You moving out?” asked Sam, giving her a pointed look.

“No, Starks having me bring these to the lobby for Happy to pick up and do something with,” she explained. Was that a good look or a bad look, she thought to herself, did they want her to move out?

“Doesn’t he have lackeys for that?” Bucky asked in disgust.

“Right?” she exclaimed as the doors to the elevator opened once more but this time on the floor she needed.

“Where too?” Steve asked, looking down at her with a smile.

“Happy’s right over there” Darcy said, scanning the room and pointing to the driver. They crossed the room to Happy and gave the boxes over to the man with a smile and a nod. “Thanks for the help, Cap,” said Darcy with a mock salute.

“Anytime, Ma’am,” he replied with a smirk and a nod.

“Darcy,” Sam nodded at her.

“Sam, Bucky.” Darcy held her salute for them as they passed by her on their way out. Sam laughed and Bucky shook his head at her. Turning to head back up, Darcy smiled to herself, it was nice of Steve to help like that… even if he didn’t want to.

\---

Bucky watched as Steve added sugar to his coffee and scowled. Lifting his own cup to his lips, he took a sip of the strong, unaltered, black liquid.

“I don’t know how you still drink it like that,” Steve said, nodding towards the cup in Bucky’s hands.

“I don’t know when you started drinking your coffee like a dame,” Bucky replied, ribbing him.

“I don’t drink my coffee like a dame. Nothing is wrong with adding milk and sugar to a cup or with having a latte. Sam introduced me to lattes and they are good. You should try ‘em.”

“No thanks,” Bucky made a face. “Besides, the coffee is better these days in itself, doesn’t need no fancy milk and sugar with vanilla bean,” Bucky goaded Steve.

“Quiet, Jerk,” said Steve taking a long sip of his coffee in response.

“Punk.”

\---

It was funny how a cup of coffee could set Bucky off. How one silly little drink could send him spiraling, but it had. He’d told Steve he needed to be clean and retreated to the bathroom without finishing his own coffee. Once there, he had turned on the water and sat on the floor in front of the shower. He had spent the next forty-five minutes rocking back and forth, fighting for control. He could feel it slipping away from him, but he wouldn’t let go. He wouldn’t lose himself; he had been doing so well. When it was over he stood, turned off the water and made his way to the sink.

Cleaning the steam off the mirror Bucky looked at himself. His eyes fell to the seam of flesh where his metal arm connected with his skin. He normally tried to avoid looking at it but today he couldn’t keep his eyes off it. Hydra had taken him away from Steve. They had brainwashed him, they had destroyed him and they had made it so he no longer knew the love of his life. He had missed so much and now he no longer knew who Steve was.

Sure he knew Steve’s history but someone’s history is only one part of them. Steve had changed, physically and mentally, and Bucky didn’t know how to deal with that. He used to know everything about Steve. He knew his sizes… he knew what size shirt, pant or shoe he took. He even knew what part of Steve’s shoe would wear away first and when they would need to be replaced. He didn’t know his sizes anymore.

Steve used to need him too. He needed him to stop fights, though Steve would never admit it. He used to need him on the nights when it was too cold to function and they couldn’t afford to heat the house. They would share a bed and use their body heat to keep warm. Now Steve could stand up for himself and produced so much body heat he didn’t need Bucky to cuddle with anymore. He didn’t even need him as a friend anymore, if Bucky really thought about it. He had Sam and The Avengers now. People that cared about him and knew him now.

Bucky clenched his fists and shut his eyes tightly. He needed to stop thinking about this or he was going to lose control. He needed to get out of the apartment. He needed to be alone and away from people. He needed to hit something...

\---

With a grunt Bucky’s fist slammed against the reinforced punching back with enough force to send it swinging wildly. He glared at the flimsy bag and stopped it from swinging. Winding up for another punch he stopped as the door to the gym opened.

“Darcy,” he acknowledged her before going back to hitting the bag as though everything wrong with the world was its fault.

“Don’t mind me, just making sure everything is stocked and ready for Bruce’s morning meditation and yoga routine.” She crossed the room and went to work in a corner he couldn’t see. After a few minutes, he had all but forgotten she was there – until she spoke. “Want to talk about it?” She made her way from the corner to stand beside his bag.

“Nothing to talk about,” he said through gritted teeth.

“Really?” she asked incredulously, watching him pummel the defenseless punching bag. “Listen Barnes, I am only going to ask you one more time. Do you want to put on your big boy pants and talk about your problems like an adult or do you want to sulk and throw a tantrum like a child?”

“Tantrum.” Like hell he was going to talk to her about Steve. He didn’t know her that well. Hell, he didn’t know anyone that well.

“Okay, then.” She turned away from him and began to walk away.

“It’s just…” Bucky found himself speaking before he could stop himself. “I don’t know him anymore, not like I used too.” Bucky dropped his guard and turned to face her. It was too late to take it back. “He’s not the same Steve I grew up with…” he trailed off, feeling ashamed of himself for even saying anything. He watched her stare at him and could practically hear the gears in her brain turning as she thought of what to say.

“Here’s the thing,” she said. “People grow and change in life, you have to grow and change with them or you’ll lose them.” She walked back towards him. “Yes, he’s changed but so have you. Are you the same Bucky he knew back then? No, and you shouldn’t try to be either because that’s not you anymore. You’ve been through some shit, war, torture-”

“Brainwashing,” he interrupted her with a grin. Grabbing his towel and wiping down his face.

“Brainwashing,” she nodded. “And you can’t just pretend that stuff didn’t happen. Will Steve ever understand what it’s like to be unmade? No, but that doesn’t mean he’s not going to try. Just because you don’t know him like you used to doesn’t mean you can’t know him just as intimately as before. It’s okay to miss what you had, because you had something most people only dream about. The thing is Bucky, you still have it and while it may be a little different now, it’s the same in the in one fundamental aspect.”

“What’s that?” he asked tossing his towel on the bench and grabbing a water bottle, he took a sip from it.

“Love, doofus.” She rolled her eyes in exasperation. “You both still love each other. So what does it matter if he’s taller or whatever? Work on what you have, not what you had. If you don’t know him anymore, take the time to get to know him again.”  

“Wow,” he said looking at her in awe. Whatever he had expected when he first spoke, it certainly wasn’t this. There was clearly something more to Darcy Lewis then met the eye.

“One more thing and I may be going a little too far here but I get the feeling you need to hear it,” she said glancing around the gym like she was making sure it was all clear. “You’re pretty great.” She smiled at him. “Listen… I didn’t know the old Bucky. I hear he was pretty great but kind of a shmuck - though, great all the same. The thing is, I kind of know this Bucky now, a little, and I like him. He’s great. You shouldn’t mourn the loss of your old self because, like I said before everyone changes. So embrace who you are now, because you’re awesome. Okay?” Reaching out she shoved him in the shoulder and began to back away. “Anyway, I gotta go.” She pointed to the door. “Good chat.” And with that she left him standing there, dumbstruck and unsure of what to say or do. He had definitely not expected that but he got it.

\---

What was she doing? Oh God, had she just said all that to Bucky Barnes? What was wrong with her? He hadn’t asked for a lecture. He had simply said he didn’t know his boyfriend like he used too and she had to go and give him a sermon. What was her life? And for that matter what was she doing with her life? Why was she even in Avenger’s tower? This couldn’t be a viable career option, could it? How long could she keep this up? Pretending to be a lab monkey and taking care of three fully grown adults.

Her heart clenched when she thought about it and the air left her lungs; she was frozen. What was she doing with her life? Nothing. She had a job that didn’t matter and an unfinished degree that she couldn’t do anything with. Could she go back to school? But she had been out of it for so long… and she didn’t have the money for university again, she was still paying off loans from the first time. She had the feeling she would be paying them off until she was fifty. Not to mention, what if she failed, what if she went to school again got her degree and then couldn’t get a job in her field and ended up working in retail? The thought of that paralyzed her. She would have failed. Who was she kidding, she had failed already. She was a failure and she had no reason to live. No reason to keep breathing.

Jabbing the pen she was holding into her hand she pushed so hard it punctured the skin.

“Shit,” she swore as blood began to pool in the middle of her hand. It hurt, it hurt badly but she continued to push and make herself bleed more. If she concentrated on this pain she wouldn’t think about how much of a failure she was and how much she had embarrassed herself earlier.

\---

After cleaning herself up and wrapping her hand in a bandage, Darcy decided she needed some food. She was sad and she wanted junk food. So it was off to the kitchen with her. She just hoped she didn’t encounter Bucky. She didn’t think she could handle that so soon after embarrassing herself as she had.

“Hey, Doll.” Luck was not on her side. She sighed.

“Barnes, Cap’n,” she said, giving them a mock salute.

“Ma’am,” Steve greeted her, his heart-melting smile in place. She shook herself. She needed to get a hold of herself, these boys were taken. Still, that didn’t stop them from being dreamy.

“We had an enlightening conversation earlier.” Bucky nodded at her.

“We did,” she agreed, wondering where he was going with this and if he was going to embarrass her more.

“I just wanted to say, you’re kind of smart,” he said with a smirk.

“Kind of?”

“Well, I don’t want you getting all full of yourself now, so yeah, kind of,” he affirmed.

“Thanks, I think?” Darcy said, scratching the back of her head. Maybe she hadn’t embarrassed herself as badly as she thought she had. Or maybe he was making fun of her.

“That’s as close as he comes to thank you,” Steve interjected, looking confused. “Though I don’t know why you are thanking her…?”

“That’s top secret. If I told you, I’d have to kill you,” said Darcy, making a gun with her hand and shooting at Steve with a wink.

“What happened to your hand?” Steve asked, his smile fading as he grabbed her hand.

“Oh… I stabbed myself with a pen.”

“You stabbed yourself with a pen,” he clarified.

“Yup.”

“Only you, Doll, only you,” said Bucky, taking her hand and pulling the bandage back to inspect her wound. “Good job.”

“Thanks,” she shrugged, taking her hand back and re-wrapping it. If they only knew why she had done it, she thought to herself. Let them think of it as a joke. Clumsy Darcy. No one need to know different.

\---

_A.N: I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m sorry._

_Friend me on_ [ _Tumblr_ ](http://isneezestars.tumblr.com/) _and_ [Twitter](https://twitter.com/JDUrsini) _if you want to keep up with me. Let’s talk. **Seriously**. Check out my profile to find out more about me_ _._


	3. Sometimes, I Hate the Mask

The Broken Ones

Chapter Three:   
Sometimes, I Hate the Mask

\---

Steve sat beside Bucky reading while the latter napped. It was one of those moments that he loved, where everything fell into place and felt right – which obviously meant it wasn’t to last. Suddenly, a metal hand thumped Steve in the chest hard enough to knock the wind out of him. Fingers curling, Bucky hooked onto Steve’s shirt and ripped it. Letting out a low moan, his eyes still closed, the peaceful look on his face had been replaced with a furrowed brow.

“Bucky,” said Steve loudly but got no response. “Bucky!” he tried again, putting a hand on his shoulder. “You’re safe! No one is going to hurt you,” he soothed. “I got you.” Steve shook the shoulder he was holding. The movement made Bucky jerk awake, his free hand shooting out to grab Steve’s wrist.

“St-Steve?” he stuttered coming out of it slowly and releasing his grip on Steve’s shirt.

“Yeah Buck, it’s me,” he soothed. A look of dismay dawned on Bucky’s face as he realized what he had done.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay, Buck, it’s just a shirt.” It was better he tear up his shirt than him and better this happened to him than to anyone else. “You are getting better every day. You haven’t had so much as a nightmare in over a month. Soon you will be back to the old, normal, Bucky again,” Steve tried to comfort him.

“Steve.” Bucky disentangled himself from the covers, letting go of his wrist in the process.

“Yeah Buck.”

“Just stop,” said Bucky, standing and crossing the room. Entering their bathroom he closed the door a little harder then he meant too. Looking at himself in the mirror he clenched his fists. Another setback. When would this end?

\---

Darcy rolled over in bed and slipped a hand out from under the covers. Reaching for her phone she checked the time, it was 6:30 pm, Saturday night. She had been in bed since 5:30 Friday night. She had wasted over twenty-four hours doing nothing. She didn’t have anything urgent that needed to be done but still. She felt guilty. Rolling on her back, she stared up at the ceiling in contemplation. She could get up… or she could keep laying here. Moving took a lot of effort and she couldn’t seem to bring herself to care. What did it matter if she got up or not? No one would notice and no one cared. Shoving her phone under the pillows, she rolled over and closed her eyes. Fuck it. It was back to sleep for her. Her life was forfeit anyway, she would stay in bed for the rest of the weekend.

\---

Bucky and Sam were out to lunch with Clint and Natasha. They had asked Steve to go with them but he had begged out, claiming not to be hungry and saying he had just eaten. It was a lie, he was starving, but it had to be done. Walking into their room, he locked the door and crossed the room to the bed. Slowly, he sat down, perching on the edge of the bed. He placed his head in his hands and inhaled deeply. In and out, in and out, he deliberately took slow deep breaths. He needed to stay calm. He just needed some time to himself.

He needed…

He needed…

He needed to not be Captain America… just for a few minutes, just for an hour or two. He just wanted to be Steve Rogers. The art student who fell in love with his best friend. He wasn’t just a mask, he was a person and no one saw that anymore. Not since the experiment, not since Peggy. Bucky didn’t even see that anymore. Bucky needed him to be Captain America. Bucky needed him to be strong and unaffected by today and all the changes the world had gone through. Bucky needed him to be his rock and that’s what Steve would be, even if it meant he had to wear a mask in private.

But if Steve was honest, sometimes he hated the mask. He hated being Captain America. Captain America had stolen his best friend, his love, his girl and his life. Laying back he felt like he was drowning again. There was pressure in his chest, it felt like it was going to burst. A smoky feeling filled his nose and trickled down his throat. He wanted to breathe but he couldn’t. If he inhaled his lungs would fill with water and he would freeze again. Jerking up, he put his head between his knees and took a sharp breath in.

He had suffered, but what had it been for? Everything was smoke and mirrors. He had to be okay, he had too, for Bucky, for The Avengers, for the world. The world needed him to be Captain America, the living embodiment of truth and justice. He had chosen this path, it had been his choice and it was his cross to bear. He just wished he didn’t have to keep the mask on all the time. Oh well, at least he had the few minutes he did now.

\---

It was around lunchtime, Monday, when Steve decided he needed to get out of the Tower for a bit. The sky was the kind of dark grey that spelled storm, so he headed for his favourite coffee shop with his sketchbook in hand. He ordered himself a vanilla latte and snagged a corner table for himself. He had been sketching for a while when a shadow overtook him.

“Darcy?” he asked looking up and sounding confused.

“Hey, hi, hello.” Darcy scratched behind her ear, holding a large cup and looking nervous. “I know you probably came here to be alone, but I was wondering if I could sit with you. Everywhere else is full and it’s raining out and I don’t want to go back to the Tower just yet…” she rambled, looking anywhere but at Steve. Looking around her and out the window, he noted the sky had finally opened up.

“Sure,” he said with a warm smile. Yes, he had come here to be alone, but he couldn’t very well turn her away. That’s not what Captain America would do.

“I promise I will be quiet and not say anything, I’m just going to read.” She took out a book from her over-sized purse and shook it.

“Darcy, I already said yes… but on one condition.”

“Name it.”

“You sit here and I get to sketch you.” Steve gestured to his art book.

“Deal,” Darcy agreed, setting her coffee down and pulling out the chair across from him and he picked up his pencil. They sat in what Steve thought was a comfortable silence as he drew and she read. Time flew as he sketched and the next thing he knew he was finished and it was forty-five minutes later.

“Done, want to see it?” he declared and offered her the book. She took it quickly, with a smile on her face.

“Wow.” Looking down, the smile fell away.

“You don’t like it?” he asked frowning.

“No, it’s beautiful” she said still staring at the coloured picture.

“But?”

“But I look so pretty.” She matched his frown and handed the book back to him.

“And that’s a problem?” he probed.

“No…” she trailed off. How did you tell the living embodiment of Adonis that he beautified you and you weren’t that pretty? In fact, Darcy didn’t think she was pretty at all. Just the opposite, she was fat, squat, her lips too big, her eyes too round and she had a gap in her teeth that she could squirt water through. She the furthest thing from pretty imaginable. Jane… Jane and Pepper were pretty and Natasha was downright beautiful.

“Darcy, you are pretty,” said Steve, confused.

“I should go, I don’t want to bother you anymore then I already have.” Darcy stood with a smile that was too wide plastered on her face. “See yah, Cap!” She grabbed her empty cup and tossed it in the bin on her way out, leaving a dumbfounded Steve in her wake. She had left like the coffee shop was on fire. Had he done something wrong?

\---

“Stop walking away from me,” Steve called, frustrated, as he chased Bucky up another flight of stairs. He was heading to the roof to get away from him. They were having another fight.

“I’m walking away from you for a reason. I don’t want to have this argument with you again,” Bucky shot back. “Stop following me.” Reaching the platform he strode across it and opened the door that lead to the roof.

“Bucky!” The exasperation in Steve’s voice was palpable. Climbing the last flight of steps and taking them two at a time he nearly ran into Bucky. He opened his mouth to say _‘What the hell Buck’_ when Bucky slammed a hand into his chest and pointed across the roof. There, standing at the edge of the roof, stood Darcy.

“Darcy?” Steve called out softly in an attempt not to startle her. The roof was wet and slippery from the day’s rain.

“Darcy, Doll?” Bucky tried when she didn’t respond. “What are you doing?” he prodded her.

“Hmmn?” she said still looking down her stare unwavering. It was a long way down but she could do it. It didn’t seem so bad, not the worst way to go. It would only take a step, a little slip and then it would all be over. She could do it. The height was mesmerizing, it made her feet tingle and her toes curl.

“What are you doing over there, Honey?” Steve edged closer to her, moving slowly, not wanting to startle her.

“I just need some air.” Darcy looked over her shoulder at the pair.

“You think maybe you could come away from there?” Bucky closed in on her. She untwisted to look back down. When she didn’t answer them, he grabbed her around the middle and pulled her down. She fell back with an _‘oof’_ and was turned around roughly.

“Are you nuts?” Steve asked, muscling Bucky out of the way and grabbing her shoulders, he shook them.

“What were you thinking?” said Bucky over Steve’s shoulder.

“You could have fallen!”

“You would have died!” Bucky placed a hand on Steve’s shoulder to get him to ease up his grip on her. “Darcy?” he said softly, pulling Steve back, giving her room to breathe.

“I just… needed some air,” she said in a daze before shaking her head and clearing it. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“Next time you need some air, Darce, just open a window.” Bucky rolled his eyes, relief flooding his veins.

“Or come get one of us and we’ll come up to the roof with you,” Steve offered.

“I’m not a child, I can come out here on my own,” Darcy snapped.

“Yeah, you just proved that,” Bucky retaliated.

“Bucky,” warned Steve. “Darcy, it would make me feel better if you would come get one of us.”

“I’m not going to come get you every time I need some air.”

“Why not?” Steve reached out to place a hand on her shoulder again but she stepped away.

“Because I don’t want to bother you,” she said staring at the ground.

“You wouldn’t be bothering us,” he insisted.

“Yes, I would,” she shot back.

“Darcy, you wo-”

“I need to go,” she said, interrupting him. “Sorry for scaring you.” She looked between the two men, squaring her shoulders, she marched past them. Opening the door to the roof she disappeared without looking back.

\---

Bucky and Steve stood there in stunned silence for a good 5 minutes before heading back to their apartment.

“That was… unnerving,” said Bucky the moment they closed their door.

“I don’t know if that word is strong enough,” Steve replied, crossing his arms. “JARVIS, where is Darcy now?”

“Ms. Lewis is in her room,” responded the AI.

“Is she okay?” Bucky asked, walking over to the couch and plopping down on it.

“Ms. Lewis is not in any physical danger.”

“But is she okay, JARVIS?” Steve pushed.

“Ms. Lewis has enabled privacy mode and I am unable to comment on her well-being.”

“JARVIS,” Bucky bit out in annoyance.

“Sargent Barnes, the residents of this Tower are all afforded the same privacy standards.” scolded JARVIS. “If you wish to check up on Ms. Lewis, might I suggest doing it in person?”

“Thank you, JARVIS.”

“You are most welcome Captain Rogers.”

“I don’t think she wants to see us right now,” Bucky mussed, running a hand through his hair. “Maybe it was nothing?” he added hopefully.

“You call standing on the edge of a building nothing?” Steve asked incredulously.

“I don’t know, I’m just saying, we might be reading too much into this? She might have just needed air.”

“I’m worried.” Steve crossed the room and sat down in the chair opposite Bucky. “From the few conversations I’ve had with her I don’t think she thinks very highly of herself.”

“How so?”

“She wasn’t sorry she could have died up there, she was sorry she scared us. She keeps saying she doesn’t want to bother us and when I drew her this afternoon she thought I made her too pretty… she doesn’t think she’s pretty, Bucky,” explained Steve.

“All dames are like that though.” Bucky shrugged, not wanting to believe Darcy thought so lowly of herself.

“And now this? I think we should keep an eye on her,” Steve pressed on.

“Alright, we’ll keep an eye on her.” It was the least Bucky could do after she had straightened him out the other week after all. He just hoped she had really just needed some air…

\---

_A.N: Sorry for the wait but life does happen. I still don’t have a plot for this but I have a few basic chapter ideas, they just need to be fleshed out… greatly. Thank you **Belle** for your super awesome comment by the way! _

_Friend me on_ [ _Tumblr_ ](http://isneezestars.tumblr.com/) _and_ [Twitter](https://twitter.com/JDUrsini) _if you want to keep up with me. Let’s talk. **Seriously**. Check out my profile to find out more about me_ _._


	4. Let It Go

The Broken Ones

Chapter Four:   
Let It Go

\---

Cracking open a fresh box of Pop-Tarts, Darcy warmed them up in the toaster before bringing them to Jane.

“Food time,” she said, waving the plate of pastries under her boss’s nose.

“Science time,” Jane replied, not looking up from her hunched over position.

“Food time, then science time,” she reasoned, waving the plate under Jane’s nose a second time.

“Darcy, you are stopping science, again!” Jane sat up and glared at her.

“Jane, I get paid to keep you alive, let me do my job. It’s the only thing I’m good at.” She shoved the plate into the other woman’s chest, making her take it.

“I don’t have time for this,” Jane huffed, putting the plate of warm pastries down and off to the side.  

“Science can wait while you eat a Pop-Tart,” Darcy said, not batting an eyelash. “I’ve got all day.” She crossed her arms and cocked her hip to the side, leaning against the desk.

“Ugh, fine,” Jane relented, grabbing a Pop-Tart and shoving it in her mouth.

“Thank you.” She walked back to her own desk to find Tony hovering around it.

“Trouble in paradise,” he queried, the gossip in him getting the better of him.

“She gets cranky when she’s underfed and in science mode,” Darcy explained before snapping her fingers and pointing at him. “Speaking of eating, what do you want?”

“Whiskey on the rocks, its only lunchtime after all.” He winked at her.

“And food.” Darcy rolled her eyes.

“She’s right, you are a kill joy.” He rolled his eyes back at her. “Just order a pizza, Bruce and I will go halfsies. Right Bruce?” Tony called over his shoulder.

“Huh, what?” The baffled scientist looked up from his desk.

“Just agree.” Tony nodded his head in an attempt to get the response he wanted.

“No?” Bruce questioned with an expression on his face that was as much confused as it was defiant.

“Good God Bruce, it’s for food,” Tony said wounded at the lack of trust between the Science Bro’s.

“Oh, okay, sure.” He went back to his work without another thought on the matter. Tony scoffed and pointed to Bruce with _‘this guy’_ gesture. Like she didn’t just witness the entire interaction.

“Pizza it is, then,” Tony declared.

“Done and done, boss-man.” Darcy saluted him and walked towards the elevators.

“Flattery will get you everywhere Ms. Lewis,” Tony called after her before turning towards his Science Bro. “See Bruce, at least someone listens to me!”

\---

She should just leave. What was she even doing here? Jane didn’t even need or want her. She was just a nuisance. Everyone would be fine and life would go on without her. Adults didn’t need a babysitter. What was she even doing with her life?

\---

It was almost time to make The Science Bro’s and Brah, respectively, eat something for dinner when Darcy found herself being accosted. She had been walking down the hallway to the common room when something hit her in the butt. Clapping a hand over her behind and turning swiftly she was ready to yell but came face to face with only air. Looking around, she saw nothing and was about to leave when a little yellow dart on the floor caught her attention.

“Are you kidding me?” she bent to pick up the dart and got pinged with another one in the head. “BARTON!” she hollered, looking up at the ceiling. “I know it was you and I know you are up there.” That boy was dead meat. He had hit her in her behind… on purpose. There was no way the world’s best archer hadn’t meant to do that. “I swear to Thor, you are a dead man!”

“Did someone call me?” Thor asked, popping his head out from around the corner.

“No, Thor,” said Darcy in exasperation.

“What is the matter?” Thor queried, seeing her distress. She opened her mouth to answer when another dart hit her in the forehead and stuck.

“That,” she said, ripping the dart from her forehead. “That is the matter.” A slow smile broke out across Thor’s face.

“Battle!” he cried, grabbing Darcy and dragging her along behind him to the lockers where they kept their Nerf guns. It was essential that every member of the team have their own Nerf gun for precisely such an occasion. Most of the team had several.

\---

Darcy fell hard around a corner as she dodged a slew of Nerf darts. What had started out as Barton being a jerk-face had turned into an all-out war. It was every man (or woman in Darcy’s case) for themselves. Picking herself up, she ran down the hallway away from the bird that was chasing her and straight into a broad chest. She would have hit the floor again if not for the strong arms that stopped her from falling.

“Slow down there, Doll,” said Bucky, righting her.

“Let go, let go, let go!” Darcy pulled herself out of his arms and dove behind him as Clint rounded the corner. Grabbing the back of Bucky’s shirt, she pulled herself flush against him, using him as a human shield. Clint let out a blast of darts that Bucky blocked with his arm causing each of them to stick to it.

“Out of the way Barnes.” Clint nodded at him.

“I’m out of ammo,” Darcy whined quietly, holding tightly to Bucky.

“Aw, that’s not fair, you pickin’ on a helpless dame like that,” said Bucky, standing straighter.

“She’s anything but helpless.”

Bucky laughed and pulled the darts off of his arm one by one and handed them back to her.

“Yes!” she exclaimed. “You rock.” She loaded her gun before peaking her head out around his broad shoulders, she stuck her tongue out at Clint.

“Give me the gun, Doll, and I will shoot him between the eyes for you.” Bucky whispered conspiratorially to her.

“You promise not to shoot me?” Darcy asked, skeptically.

“I promise,” Bucky assured her as he put his flesh arm behind his back, its palm open and waiting for the gun. Darcy hesitated a moment before trusting him.

“Hey now, no conspir-” Clint was cut off as a Nerf dart hit him square between the eyes.

“Bucky, have I ever told you that I love you?” Darcy asked as she hugged him from behind.

“I think you just did.”

\---

It was late in the evening and Darcy was in bed for the night. The only problem was that her mind wouldn’t shut off. She hated being seen as inferior but the thing was, she was inferior. She was the normal, less than average girl in a tower full of extraordinary people. Not only was the tower filled with geniuses and superheroes but an actual real life God lived there too. How was she supposed to compete with that? How was she supposed to contribute to that? She was nothing compared to them and they all knew it.

She couldn’t protect herself. She couldn’t keep up with higher minds and even Jane was tired of her. The only reason she kept her around was because new interns took too long to break in. Not to mention it was either this or SHIELD would probably make her disappear. She was just so useless and no matter how hard she tried to make herself relevant it just didn’t work. She was and would always be irrelevant… she should really just make herself disappear… everyone would be better off for it in the end.

\---

If she laid here, if she just laid here for the rest of her life, would anyone notice? Or would she be able to grow old up here and wither away and die like a flower? Maybe she would be able to lay here so long her skin would became tight and translucent and her clothes ragged and moth eaten. Maybe if she tried hard enough she would be able to become a mummy. Her mother always told her she could do whatever she wanted if she tried hard enough.

Darcy frowned into the darkness. It was lies like that, which had broken her. Lies like that, which had made her believe she could be something more than she was. It was lies like that, which had made her think she had ever stood a chance in life. Because she had believed them, she had believed her mother. Her mother wouldn’t have lied to her, right? But as Darcy grew she learned the hard way that it wasn’t true. You couldn’t always do what you wanted or be what you thought you could… no matter how hard you tried. There were simply things in this world you could never achieve no matter how hard you tried.

And sometimes it wasn’t your fault. No matter how hard Darcy tried to be a ballerina when she was little she just didn’t have the body for it. She had hit puberty early and she never had the proper pointe. But that was just the thing though, it wasn’t her fault that she couldn’t be a ballerina but she felt like it was. Maybe if she had tried harder…

“Darcy?” A familiar voice called from behind her.

“Over here.” Getting up on an elbow, she twisted to look behind her at the door. She saw two hulking figures illuminated by the light from the door.

“What are you doing up here?” Bucky asked stepping forward and onto the roof.

“I thought we asked you to tell us when you were coming up here?” Steve followed him as they made their way over to the blanket she was laying on.

“And I thought I told you I wasn’t going to do that?” She pushed herself up into a sitting position so she could cross her arms as she strained to look up at them. “I’m star gazing.”

“You can’t see the stars from here, it’s too bright.” Bucky knelt down beside her and Steve followed suit.

“Maybe you can’t but I can,” she replied, shoving his knee and laying back.

“Is that so?” Bucky asked, rubbing his chin.

“Look, do you want to lay with me or not? Use your imagination Barns,” Darcy huffed and she brought her arms up to make a pillow for herself. Steve and Bucky shared a look with each other before rolling their eyes and getting down on the blanket with her. They laid like that in companionable silence for a while, simply staring at the inky blackness that was the New York sky. “What does your space look like, Steve?” Darcy asked quietly. The question had been eating her up inside. She’d bet it was beautiful, with an imagination like his.

“It looks like The Butterfly Nebula,” he said after a moment of thought.

“That’s a pretty one.” Darcy took an arm from under her head and reached for his hand. Finding it she gave it a little squeeze.

“That it is,” he agreed. Keeping her hand in his. He didn’t want her to let go. In that moment, he felt a little less alone… and it was nice.

\---

Steve hated the cold. He absolutely hated it. So he was none too happy having being sent on a mission to the North Pole because some super villain was trying to destroy the earth with some hi-tech machine… that apparently needed to be in the North Pole to work. Who made something like that? He and the other Avengers had been sent to stop it from happening and when they got there, they were greeted by giant robots. Seriously what was with villains and giant robots? They couldn’t be cheaper than having old fashion henchmen.

But alas there was a strong lack of henchmen at this battle and Steve found himself going toe to iron toe with a robot. He had been doing well until the thing got a hold of his ankle and Hulk smashed him into the floor. That’s when he went through the ice and all at once he was drowning again. The ice water was filling his lungs with sharp stabbing pain and drowning him. He tried to get out but he couldn’t find the opening he’d gone through. His movements were becoming sluggish as his muscles froze and his vision was tunneling. The last thing he remembered was Bucky’s fist punching through the ice.

\---

Darcy couldn’t sleep. This happened every month or two where she couldn’t sleep for a week or sometimes more, only getting three to four hours a night. She didn’t know why this happened, but it did. So instead of sleeping, Darcy decided she was going to drink hot chocolate and watch a movie in the common room. The only problem was, when she got there the common room wasn’t empty like she thought it would be. Flicking on the lights, she made eye contact with Steve, paused and then turned the lights back off and backed out of the room.

“You don’t have to go…” Steve called from the couch where he was sitting in the dark.

“I don’t want to bother you.”

“I’d like the company,” his voice replied.

“Where’s Bucky?” she asked.

“Asleep.” Turning the lights back on Darcy saw him shiver and frowned. She had heard about what had happened to him in the North Pole. It must have been a shock to his system… and his psyche.

“I’ll be right back…” She said, turning and walking away quickly. Grabbing the blanket off her bed she returned back to him and draped it around his shoulders before taking the plug from her electric blanket and plugging it in.

“What are you-”

“When I get cold, I like to be cocooned in warmth. I feel like this is something you need right now… as is hot chocolate. Then you will be warm on the outside and warm on the inside,” she rambled awkwardly. “Wait right here.” She disappeared into the kitchen and began to make hot chocolate. Why was this so weird? It’s not like her and Steve hadn’t been alone together before. There was just something about him that made her doubt herself. It was almost as if she didn’t need the bravado she had with everyone else. It was unsettling. “There you go… I even gave you marshmallows. Who doesn’t love marshmallows?” she said as she handed him the warm drink.

“Thank you.”

“No problem-o.” They sat quietly for a while, Darcy fidgeting and Steve wrapping himself up just a little tighter in her blanket.

“What are you doing up?” Steve asked breaking the silence and checking the time. It was 3 AM.

“Insomnia. I was going to watch Frozen, but I won’t make you sit through that right now,” she answered honestly.

“You heard then.”

“News travels fast in the tower.” Darcy smiled apologetically at him. “For a bunch of spies, they are quite the bunch of gossips.” Darcy took a sip of her own hot chocolate and sat back in her chair. “Why aren’t you asleep? You look exhausted.” It was true, he was looking a little worse for wear. He had bags under his eyes and was having trouble keeping his head up.

“I can’t sleep.”

“Can’t or won’t?” Darcy pushed. Steve stared at his feet. She shouldn’t be seeing him like this. Weak and helpless. He was the one that was supposed to be strong. “Steve?” She got up out of her chair and moved to sit beside him.

“Won’t,” Steve relented with a sigh, closing his eyes he brought his hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose.

“Whatever’s eating at you, you should just let it go.” Darcy bit her lip and Steve rolled his eyes.

“Very nice.” He ran a hand through his hair, before sighing.

“Sorry, I couldn’t resist.”

“Every time I shut my eyes I’m bringing down that plane into the ice and I’m drowning all over again.”

“For lack of anything better to say, that really sucks,” Darcy said, taking a pillow from the couch and placing it in her lap.

“Yeah, it does,” Steve laughed.

“Here, put your head in my lap.” She patted the pillow in her lap.

“Darcy!” He admonished, the smile fell off Steve’s face in an instant.

“Just trust me!” she said, pulling on the blankets around his shoulders. “This is something my mom used to do for me when I had nightmares.” She tugged at the blanket again and he rolled his eyes. With a sigh, he straightened out, placing his feet on the couch and his head in her lap. “Close your eyes,” she instructed. He did as he was told, feeling a little awkward as she began to run her fingers through his hair. “JARVIS, dim the lights.”

“Darcy…” Steve went to get up but was pushed down again.

“Just relax will you.” She raked her fingers through his hair and massaged his scalp. After a few moments his shoulders sagged and his stiff posture loosened. “I promise you, nothing is going to happen to you, you are here with me and you are safe,” she spoke softly to him and told him one of the stories her mother used to tell her. By the time she was finished he was asleep in her lap.

\---

_A.N: So I still don’t know what I’m doing and sorry this took a while to get up… I’m just not feeling writing lately. Sorry. You can probably tell. I feel really badly about this chapter, it’s absolute crap but I was trying to force myself to write. I feel like it feels a little rushed. Does it? I can’t tell. Anyway enough rambling. Thanks for taking the time to read and hopefully I didn’t disappoint you too badly._

_Friend me on_ [ _Tumblr_ ](http://isneezestars.tumblr.com/) _and_ [Twitter](https://twitter.com/JDUrsini) _if you want to keep up with me. Let’s talk. **Seriously**. Check out my profile to find out more about me_ _._


	5. There's A Hole In My Soul

The Broken Ones

Chapter Two:   
There’s a Hole in my Soul

\---

Warmth encased him and radiated through him, right to his core. Steve was warm and happy, cozy, if a little cramped. But comfortable and he didn’t want to move. Ever. He was at peace and he honestly couldn’t remember the last time he had felt this way. If he had a say in it, he was going to stay this way, forever. Exhaling contently, he snuggled in closer to his pillow and inhaled deeply - a very feminine, floral scent.

He frowned as the sound of a throat clearly too loudly brought him into consciousness. He wasn’t ready to get up. He was going to tell Bucky to _‘screw off’_ when it dawned on him.

“Well isn’t this a nice sight,” Bucky’s voice drifted over him.

“Bucky!” Steve jolted up from his comfortable bed and jumped away from it, remembering in a quick second that it was a lap he was laying on.

“Good morning,” Bucky greeted them, wedging his shoulder into the door jamb and crossing his arms, his metal one glinting in the morning sunlight.

“This isn’t what it looks like,” Steve sputtered, spinning around and looking down at Darcy for help. She who had a red mark on her face from where her hand had been propping up her head. She blinked at him.

“Oh, you are so much help!” he whispered sassily to her.

“And what is this supposed to look like, Steve?” Bucky spoke, calmly watching at them.

“I’m… going to go…” Darcy said slowly, standing, she wrapped up her blankets and strode across the room with a confidence she didn’t have. “Barnes…” she greeted him as she edged past him.

“Doll.” He nodded at her as she left.

Steve watched her go, slack jawed. Was she really just going to leave him here to stew in this mess alone? How was he supposed to explain this without her help? Gulping, he looked up at Bucky through his eyelashes.

_Aw hell_.

\---

Aside from feeling horribly embarrassed and guilty for betraying his boyfriend, Steve noticed he was feeling something else. Something he hadn’t felt in a long time. He was feeling refreshed. He had slept the rest of the night through without a nightmare. He couldn’t remember the last time he had gotten so much uninterrupted sleep. It was a beautiful thing, feeling refreshed, not so alone and like somebody understood him - even if she had hung him out to dry earlier. It was nice to not have to be the strong one for once. He felt whole: like something that he hadn’t known had been missing had finally been replaced. Guilt flooded him.

Steve glanced up at Bucky from his seat on the sofa. Across from him, Bucky sat in his armchair, newspaper in hand, reading silently. The only noise in the room was the crinkle of the paper as he turned the page. The quiet between then was almost suffocating. Steve had no right to feel the way he did. How could he feel like that when Bucky was all he needed?

“I’m sorry,” Steve blurted out, his eyes cast down. To his credit, Bucky hadn’t said anything about this morning all day.

“For what?” Bucky asked, folding his paper and looking up.

“I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

“Oh for the love of-” he tossed the folded up paper onto the table so hard it slid off the other end. “I’m not upset over finding you asleep with some, Dame, Punk. Lord knows I’ve done enough of that. I’m upset over the fact that you didn’t wake me up when you needed me. You don’t think I know something about being frozen and unfrozen? You don’t think, maybe, I might have understood what you were going through?” Bucky pinched the bridge of his nose in irritation. “You’re not the only one who’s gone through it.”

“I didn’t need to wake you up, it wasn’t that bad,” Steve mumbled. Bending forward, he scooped up the ruffled paper and placed it gently on the table.

“It was bad enough that you went to her-”

“I didn’t go to her, she just kind of showed up,” Steve muttered, rubbing the back of his reddening neck.

“The point is, Steve, I have a problem with you not telling me things. I feel like I don’t know you anymore and it’s killing me. You don’t need to be Captain America for me. I don’t need you to be strong for me all the time. You are allowed to be a human being too.” He stood and began to pace around the living room.

“Bucky, you know me better than anyone,” Steve tried to soothe him. How long had he been feeling like this? The silence between them stretched on as Bucky paced for a while before stopping suddenly in front of Steve.

“Part of being in a relationship is dealing with things together,” he said, looking down at his best friend and other half, the irritation he felt slowly leaching out.

“I’m sorry,” whispered Steve, feeling like his mother had just scolded him.

“I know.” Bucky placed a hand on his shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. He wasn’t mad anymore, not really. Just a little hurt.

\---

Out of sheer embarrassment, Darcy refused to leave her room that day. Even when her stomach grumbled and her mouth became a dessert, she stayed in her room. This is why it was 3AM and she had only just ventured out of her safe place and to the kitchen. She had never been so light on her feet, as she was when she tip-toed down the hallway, ready to run at a moment’s notice. If there was one thing she didn’t want to get between, it was two super soldiers in a lovers quarrel - even if it was probably her fault to begin with. It was cowardly, she knew, but she would never have called herself brave. In fact, she was probably the least brave person in the tower. Not that saying so meant much, given the tower was filled with superheroes. Still, best to not rock the cradle.

Bucky had at least called her Doll. That at least had to count for something right? If Bucky was mad at her, she would have been able to tell… right? Hell, she wouldn’t be walking around right now if Bucky was mad at her. He was The Winter soldier after all, he could kill her in the blink of an eye if he wanted to. And he clearly didn’t want to, because she was still bumbling around. Though… she had just spent the night with his boyfriend. Maybe he was biding his time. Maybe this was all part of his plan. Maybe he was luring her into a false sense of security and when she least expected it BAM, he would strike.

Pouring her cereal into a bowl, she turned around and made her way to the fridge. Grabbing the milk, she turned back to walk to the counter and just about fainted. Sitting at the breakfast bar, poised but always ready to strike, was the Black Widow. He had sent the God damn Black Widow after her! She had appeared without a sound and scared the bejesus out of Darcy, causing her to drop the milk. She was so done for.

“Shit, where did you even come from?” Darcy said in an octave she didn’t know she could reach. That woman was a menace, she needed a bell or something. “Crap.” Darcy socks were wet with the milk that was still flowing out of its container. “I’m sorry, I’m such a moron.” Grabbing the container, she righted it and reached for the paper towels. She bent down, sopped up the offending liquid while muttering to herself. “Stupid, stupid, stupid,” she said over and over again.

“It is only spilled milk, _Dorogaya_ ,” Natasha’s silky voice soothed as came around the breakfast nook and bent down to help Darcy clean up.

“You don’t have to do that.”

“It’s my fault you dropped it,” Natasha said, taking the paper towels and tossing them in the bin. “Next time I will announce myself.”

“Sorry.” Darcy stood, moving to the sink she ran the water and washed her hands.

“There is no need to apologize,” spoke Natasha softly as she handed Darcy a new carton of milk from the fridge. “Don’t be so hard on yourself.” And with that, the mysterious Black Widow left her to her own mortification. Maybe Bucky was going to embarrass her to death? If that was his plan, it was totally working.

\---

He felt like a heel, an absolute heel. Captain America, the heel. He was such a jerk. He was a really terrible person and he knew it. It had been a week since he woke up in Darcy’s lap and Steve was now avoiding her. After she had done nothing but help him, he was avoiding her and he felt... like a heel.

The thing was, he wasn’t avoiding her because he was embarrassed. The great thing about Darcy was she never judged him or made him feel like he’d done something wrong. She always managed to make him feel like he belonged somewhere and that he wasn’t out of place, even if he didn’t understand her half of the time. Steve knew why he was avoiding her and it made him feel horrible… horrible and guilty. He was a terrible person and until he figured out what to do about it... he was going to avoid it.

\---

She was so alone. Even when she was surrounded by people, she was alone. There was a hole in her soul and nothing could fill it - and it was getting bigger by the day. She had to admit that there were certain times when certain people were around that she didn’t feel like that hole was so big but it never left completely, and when she was alone again it felt to her like it had doubled in size. It was like a black hole, devouring anything that got close to it, constantly hungry for more. The question was, how long before it consumed her? And how much longer would she be able to fight it? She was running out of fuel… and fast.

Steve was avoiding her, that much she had pieced together. At first she had felt hurt by it, now she was just angry, which was ironic because she was avoiding Bucky. Enough was enough, though and she had commandeered the common room and was going to watch terrible T.V. and eat junk food. If he wanted to use the common room too, he would have to do it with her in it. She had just settled down and crossed her legs when someone jumped over the back of the couch and landed hard on the cushions beside her. With an exaggerated yawn, Bucky stretched out and put his head on her lap.

“What are you doing?” She blinked, caught off guard.

“I hear you make a comfy pillow, I’m trying it out for myself.” He smirked up cockily at her.

“I see and I’m just supposed to be your pillow?”

“Oh I’m sorry, Doll, is this lap only for Steve? Is he your favourite?” said Bucky, clutching a hand to his chest in mock hurt.

“Shut up, Barnes and lay down… I don’t play favorites with you two,” she grumbled, shoving him down by his forehead. He had clearly been letting her avoid him. God, she felt like even more of an idiot.

“Why’s that?” he prodded.

“Because you are both my favourites,” she said simply, drawing a smile from him. Taking the clicker from her, he flipped through the channels before finding something interesting and settling in. “I’m sorry,” she said, running a hand through his hair.

“For what?” he asked, his brows drawing together, perplexed like he had no idea why she was apologizing. It’s not like he had caught her in a compromising position with his boyfriend a week ago. Of course he wasn’t worried about her stealing his man. Look at her, especially compared to him, he was an Adonis and she was a frumpy intern.

“I dunno, avoiding you and whatever Steve’s avoiding me for.” Her hand stilled as she looked away from him.

“Oh that, don’t worry about it and he’ll get over it.” He nudged her hand with his head to get it moving again.

“Did I do something?” she asked, resuming her petting, she could practically hear him purr.

“No, Doll, more like he thinks he did something.” Reaching across to the table, he snagged a handful of chips from her bowl and shoved them in his mouth.

“Hey!” She swatted at him. “Get your own.”

“Nah, I’ll just borrow yours.”

“It’s not borrowing if you don’t give it back!” she exclaimed and he smirked.

“Do you want it back?” he questioned her.

“No, thank you,” she said, thinking better of it. His smile disappeared as he sobered up and Darcy’s heart began to hollow. Maybe he hadn’t forgiven her.

“Don’t avoid me again,” he said solemnly. “It sucks when you do that.”

“Sorry,” she apologized. That had not been what she was expecting. Settling in once again, they vegged out in front of the television for the rest of the afternoon. And the hole in Darcy’s heart felt a little less consuming.

\---

_A.N: Another chapter for you all, hopefully this will live up to everyone’s expectations. I’m sorry I’m really running out of steam lately. Also MERRY CHRISTMAS and HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! Just in case…_

_Friend me on_ [ _Tumblr_ ](http://isneezestars.tumblr.com/) _and_ [Twitter](https://twitter.com/JDUrsini) _if you want to keep up with me. Let’s talk. **Seriously**. Check out my profile to find out more about me_ _._


	6. It’s Time for a Patch Up

The Broken Ones

Chapter Six:   
It’s Time for a Patch Up

\---

She was a hot mess, her hair was knotty and lionesque. It was causing her a dilemma: she could brush it or she could go around looking like a homeless person… it was a tough decision to make. As she looked at herself in the bathroom mirror, Darcy frowned. She had gained weight. She knew it, just by looking at herself. Pulling up her shirt, she ran a hand over her stomach and pinched at the skin around it. Taking a chunk in between her fingers, she looked at herself in disgust.

She was so fat. It was appalling. How was she ever going to find someone who wanted to be with her when she looked like this? She pinched the fat harder. No matter how hard she dieted, it just didn’t seem to do anything. She looked around the room, her eyes landing on a pair of scissors on the countertop. She could cut it off. Just one good snip… Her heart contracted hard, causing Darcy to fall back against the wall. A hand had grabbed hold of her heart and began to strangle it. She felt sick as she began to breathe in short breaths, hyperventilating.

That wasn’t a normal thought, she knew that, but it didn’t stop her from thinking it. From wanting to do it. Just a snip. Just a cut. A little bit of pain… it would all be worth it in the end. Reaching forward she grabbed the scissors and threw them across the room. They landed in the wall with a loud _THUNK_. Slowly, she slid down the wall, clutching her chest. What was wrong with her?

\---

Steve watched as Darcy reached across the couch and smacked Thor in the shoulder. They were watching a movie, Godzilla, if he recalled correctly. Thor was making some sort of comparison between the monster on the screen and a bigglesnipe that had Darcy in tears from laughter, causing Steve’s expression to soften. He stood behind them silently so as not to alert them while he exited the kitchens. This was the first time in weeks he had gotten to be in the same room as her without her giving him the stink eye.

It was so much harder to look out for her now that they weren’t speaking. Steve’s shoulders dropped. He wanted to speak to her, he did… he just couldn’t. Not with the thoughts he had been thinking about her recently. It was too awkward and it wasn’t right. He was in a relationship, he shouldn’t be thinking the things he was. The guilt was eating him up inside. Turning away from the two friends, he made his way out of the common room as silently as he had entered.

\---

Thor didn’t say anything but he saw him. He knew the Captain was in the room the moment he stepped into it. He also knew something was going on between him and Darcy and it was best not to say anything, lest he ruin her mood. He only hoped whatever it was would pass quickly, he hated to see his friends in pain.

\---

Bucky watched in amusement as Darcy struggled with the jar. She was making hamburgers for them and it was, according to her, imperative that they had pickles. He laughed as her face began to colour from the effort she was exerting.

“Yeah, yeah,” she huffed out. “Yuck it up. It’s going to be your hamburger that suffers.”

“Would you like some help?” Bucky rolled his eyes, a giant grin on his face. He reached forward for the jar but she turned away from him.

“No,” she puffed. “I can do this!” She grunted as she gave it everything she had. With a satisfying _POP_ , the lid to the jar gave way.

“Booyeah!” she fist pumped the air. “I’m a real boy now!”

“God, I hope not,” Bucky laughed as Steve walked in to the kitchen, nose down, sketch book in hand. Looking up, his eyes darted around the room, taking everything and everyone in. Spotting Darcy, he stopped abruptly mid stride, turned and left the room, without a word. The hole in her soul clenched as it grew and her heart stung as she watched the super soldier’s retreating form. What had she done that had warranted this?

\---

 _‘Another day, another dollar’_ thought Darcy as she stood in the elevator on the way to her floor. She had been feeling particularly sensitive today and was glad the day was over and she could go and hide in her room. Working around Tony had been just shy of a nightmare. Really, the man had no tact. Sighing, Darcy straightened her posture as the elevator began to slow and stop on the main floor before heading to her floor. The doors slid open with a small _woosh_ and Darcy had to stop herself from rolling her eyes as Steve and Bucky stood in front of her. The previous one of the two being unable to maintain eye contact.

“Hey, Doll,” Bucky grinned slyly at her as he shoved Steve onto the elevator with a quick jab. Careening forward, he caught himself and spun around to glare at the latter as the doors closed. The elevator began to move as a thick silence settled over the three, affecting all but one. The second the elevator began to move Darcy snapped.

“Okay enough is enough,” she turned sharply towards Steve, with enough aggression in her movement to make him slightly step away from her. “I have something to say.”

“Darcy, I-” he began.

“No, I’m talking now,” she barked and he backed up against the wall. “Listen I don’t know what your problem is but I didn’t do anything to deserve this treatment.” She stood between him and Bucky, separating them, her hands on her hips. “I’m not a child! If you don’t want to talk to me, then fine, don’t. But the way you went about ending this relationship was really shitty. All I did was try to help you, if you had a problem with that you should have said something. It’s what an adult would do.” She bobbed her head back and forth to make her point, sass rolling off her in waves.

“Your floor, Miss Darcy,” JARVIS interrupted her mini rant.

“Thank you JARVIS,” she said, looking up.

“Da-” Steve drew her attention once more. In a quick motion she held up a finger at him and he stopped what he was saying. With a glare and a head bob she strode off the elevator and walked to her room with an extra sway in her step.

“Bucky…” Steve gaped at the now closing door, his mouth opening and closing like a fish. Turning to the other man, he stared at him in disbelief only to find the other man wearing a look that clearly stated ‘ _you just got in trouble’_ and a grin from ear to ear.

“Well, what did you expect?” Bucky laughed, crossing his arms and taking on a matter of fact stance. “Punk.”

\---

Stupid Steve Rogers. All she had been trying to do was help a friend in need and he had to go and make it all weird. Whatever. She didn’t need his friendship, she didn’t need anyone’s friendship. She was fine on her own. She had been on her own for years before she got involved with Jane, she was used to it. Besides, what did it matter? It wasn’t like they had been super close… right? They had been close enough that him suddenly dropping her had stung, but it was nothing she couldn’t get over. She didn’t need him or anyone.

Wait. Had she just called Captain-Freaking-America a shitty person? Oh God, she had. What was wrong with her? Why did she speak? Okay yeah, he didn’t want to speak to her anymore but if there was one thing Captain America was not, it was a shitty person.

“God damn it Darcy.” She dropped her head into her hands as she reached her front door. She was so pathetic.

\---

Steve sighed again as Bucky turned the page to his newspaper.

“Will you stop this?” Bucky said from behind the paper.

“Stop what?” Steve asked, sullenly.

“Moping. You’ve been moping since you got told off, and that was three frigging days ago.”

“I am not,” he bit back feeling like a child. Lowering his paper, Bucky raised an eyebrow at him.

“You clearly miss her. Stop being so… you… and go and talk to her. Besides how are you going to look out for her if you aren’t talking to her?” he reasoned, folding the newspaper and tossing it onto the table. “Why aren’t you talking to her anyway?

“Drop it, jerk.” Steve folded his arms across his chest and looked away from his best friend.

“No, punk. Enough is enough, what’s going on?” Bucky said, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees.

“It’s nothing,” Steve remained adamant.

“Steven Grant Rogers, do not lie to me,” Bucky’s tone took on one that sounded suspiciously like his mother’s used to when he got caught fibbing. “You aren’t very good at it.” Exhaling suddenly, Steve mussed up his hair in frustration.

“I want to take care of her,” he said finally.

“Well you can’t do that if you aren’t speaking to her.” Bucky rolled his eyes. “What, what’s wrong?” he asked, seeing the distress that crossed the other man’s face.

“No Buck, I want to take care of her. I want to fold her up in our arms and never let anything bad happen to her again.”

“You’ve really been thinking about this…” Bucky trailed off, a little stunned.

“Yeah…”

“Take care of her as in… we’re over?” Bucky spoke softly, fearing the worst. He wasn’t normally one to doubt his relationship, but something like this had only come up once before and it had almost ended their relationship.

“What! God, no!” Steve sat up straight. “Never!”

“Then what?” Bucky questioned. He needed some clarification her. Especially if Steve was saying what he thought he was saying.

“I want her here, with us, sandwiched in between us, safe and sound.” Steve made a motion with his hands that was asking for help.

“I see…”

“Yeah…”

\---

The explosion had been her fault. She had been alone in the labs and had been goofing off and bumped into the small rickety table that held Tony’s three day old coffee. It sloshed out of the cup and all over the table, dribbling over the edge before she had time to react and onto and into the machine sitting under said table. Then the machine had started to make a funny noise and smoke started to rise from it. She had barely had enough time to make it behind the wall before BOOM.

Oh God, she was so dead. She was so screwed it wasn’t even funny. She was done for. Tony was going to lose it and fire her. He might even fire Jane! What if he told her she had to pay for the damages? She couldn’t afford that, she couldn’t even afford to live on her own before this. She hoped to God this wasn’t one of the experiments Bruce was working on with Tony… she didn’t want to make him angry. Oh God, what was she going to do?

Leave. That was it. She needed to leave before anyone found out. JARVIS would only keep quiet for so long…

\---

Darcy sniffed loudly as she grabbed another few sweaters out of her closet. She made her way over to the bed, where an open suitcase was waiting for her.

“Darce?” Bucky’s voice called from behind her.

“What are you doing?” Steve asked as he poked his head through her bedroom door. “JARVIS said-”

“Jesus Christ!” Darcy jumped, dropping her sweaters on the floor and spinning around. “Who let you in?” she glared, although some of the vehemence was lost through her runny nose and puffy red eyes. She had been sobbing ever since she reached her room.

“What’s wrong, honey?” Steve asked in alarm as he took in her distressed appearance. Crossing the room, he took her shoulders.

“Did someone do something to you?” Bucky asked, coming forward and reaching out to her.

“Oh like you care,” she swatted both men’s hands away from her. What kind of sick joke was this?

“Darcy.” Steve grabbed her hands. “Darcy!” he repeated firmly. “I care.”

“We care,” Bucky corrected him. Steve looked to Bucky, who nodded towards her living room. Placing a hand on the small of her back, Steve guided her away from her ransacked room and over to the couch where he made her sit. Darcy cried harder, causing both men to worry more. Sitting down beside her, Bucky pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and handed it to her.

“Listen, I know, I’ve been acting like a real heel. I’m sorry, I panicked. That’s no excuse, I know but there it is. And I am so sorry. If you want to be mad at me, I’ll understand because I deserve it. But if someone did something to hurt you, you need to tell us,” Steve finished, kneeling in front of her. Steve and Bucky made eye contact above her head. Neither of them had ever seen her like this before and it was unnerving.  

“No one hurt me, I hurt myself!” Darcy sobbed into the handkerchief in her hands for a moment before launching into the story of what happened.

“Is that all?” Bucky asked, relieved, when she had finished her tale.

“Is that all? What do you mean is that all?” she practically screeched. “This is my life we are talking about and it’s about to go down the drain! Tony is going to lose it and fire me and I’m going to be kicked out and homeless and that will definitely not be a good look for me. Then Hydra is going to find me and try and torture me to get information. And when they’ve gotten all they can out of me they will use me as leverage but by then everyone is going to hate me, so no one will care, so they will just kill me!” She hyperventilated.

“Calm down, honey!” Steve soothed, rubbing small circles on her back.

“Calm down!” she hiccupped.

“Relax, doll! It was an accident, JARVIS will vouch for you!” Bucky ran his fingers through her hair in an attempt to calm her. “Do you know how often Tony blows junk up? At the very least, Bi-weekly, you don’t have to worry. Whatever happened, Tony can fix it. He might be a little grouchy about it but he’ll be able to fix it.”

“Everything’s going to be alright.” Steve nodded.

“If it makes you feel any better, we can go and talk to Tony together. Trust me, everything will be okay, he’s not going to fire you or kick you out,” said Bucky matter-of-factly. “And if Hydra ever got their hands on you, we’d come for you, promise.”

“All of us would come for you,” Steve added.

“Promise?” Darcy sniffled, leaning in to their comforting touches.

“Cross my heart.” Steve took his index finger and made the motion over his chest.

“Can we not be fighting anymore?” she asked, her eyes red and swollen.

“Oh, honey, I am so sorry.” Leaning forward, Steve embraced her, bringing her head to his shoulder. Everything was going to be alright, especially if he had anything to say about it.

\---

_A.N: SO it’s been a while, how are all of you? I’m sorry it’s taken so long to get up but I’ve been battling some major depression myself and haven’t wanted to do any writing. But I finally sat down and forced myself to write this chapter. Hopefully you haven’t given up on this story. <3_

_Friend me on_ [ _Tumblr_ ](http://isneezestars.tumblr.com/) _and_ [Twitter](https://twitter.com/JDUrsini) _if you want to keep up with me. Let’s talk. **Seriously**. Check out my profile to find out more about me_ _._


	7. Hungry? Here's Some Tongue

The Broken Ones

Chapter Seven:   
Hungry? Here’s Some Tongue

\---

God she was fat, she was so fat and her baggy clothes did nothing to hide that fact. Darcy was so tired of looking this way. That was it, she was done, she wasn’t going to eat ever again. No more binging. No more food, period. She was just done. She would lose weight, one way or another. Jane, Pepper, Natasha, they were all so perfect. She wanted to be like them. She was _going_ to be like them.

\---

The common room smelled of nail polish when Steve entered, causing him to wrinkle his nose. That was one thing he never understood about women. How did the smell of nail polish not bother them at all? Did they not smell it? It smelled pretty bad to him but he didn’t let it stop him. He spotted the perpetrator of the smell almost immediately. There at the table sat Darcy with four open bottles of nail polish and some sort of dotting tool, painting things on her nails. She looked happy. The sort of content that only came with having a purpose.

“What are you doing?” he asked as he walked over to her.

“Giving myself some rad nails,” she answered, showing off her nail art to him, proudly. “It’s all the rage these days, Cap,” she assured him. A chunk of her hair slipped out from behind her ear and fell into her face. She huffed and blew at it in vain.

“Very nice.” Steve reached forward and ran his fingers through her soft hair, gently tucking it back into place. “Doing the other hand must be difficult.”

“Yeah but I don’t mind,” she said softly, ducking her head and going back to her art. Sitting down, he watched her work. Did she even know how perfect she was?

\---

Sleeping was the worst. She could sleep for ages. There were entire parts of her life that she couldn’t remember because she had slept for days – longer than any normal person should be allowed to sleep. But it wasn’t just sleeping that she hated, it was the actual act of falling asleep itself she hated because sleeping was like dying. Sleeping was like dying, and most nights, if she were being honest, she would lay in bed and die, over and over again.

Sinking slowly into unconsciousness, unable to help it. Her breathing and heart rate slowing until finally she was no more and she just laid there not existing for hours on end. Because that’s what happened when you slept, the part of you that makes you _you_ disappears. It gets shut off and there is no more you. What was even more horrifying was that she didn’t know she was sleeping while she was asleep. You never know you’re sleeping until you wake up and come back into consciousness.

That was terrifying, the not knowing if she was going to wake up in the morning or just keep on not existing. The risk that this time might be the last time and she would never live another day on this planet again. That she might not get to say all the things she wanted to the people she cared about. That suddenly all the unsaid ‘ _I love you’s’_ would never be said or ever get to be said and life would be blackness. That she simply was no more and there would be nothing and she would finally truly be the nothing she felt she was.

\---

God damn, she was hungry. But she refused to eat. Not until she had lost a decent amount of weight.

\---

“Honestly, playing against you three isn’t even fair,” said Darcy as she sat back, video game controller in hand, a look of triumph on her face. They had been playing Mario Kart. “I’m sorry…” she apologized, looking sheepish.

“It’s alright, Doll,” Bucky soothed, swinging an arm around the back of the couch, leaving his side open for her.

“...sorry you suck!” she continued. She fist pumped the air and then elbowed him in the ribcage.

“Oh, that’s how it is?” said Sam sitting back, a giant grin on his face.

“Yeah, that’s how it is! My only real competition is you and that’s not saying much.” She cracked her knuckles, looking proud of herself.

“Them’s fighting words,” Bucky piped up, rubbing his side dramatically.

“Yeah? What are you going to do about it?” She stuck her tongue out. “You wouldn’t hit a dame would you?” He laughed at the use of his old timey slang coming out of her mouth.

“I say she’s asking for it.” Sam said, moving forward on the couch so he was perching like a bird on the cushions.

“Steve!” Darcy turned to him eyes wide, begging for him for protection.

“You made your own bed, sweetheart.” He held up his hands in a gesture that meant she was on her own. Scowling at him, she edged away from Bucky and Sam.

“FOR AMERICA!” she shouted, standing suddenly and saluting Steve before diving over the back of the couch and taking off. She could hear his laughter follow her as Bucky and Sam took chase.

\---

Darcy was watching TV in the common room when Natasha entered. Crossing the room in a few swift steps she plopped down beside her, somehow managing to make even that look graceful. Turning to her slowly, the ex-assassin eyed her.

“You’re looking pale, are you feeling alright?” Natasha asked a questioning look in her eye.

“I’m fine,” she lied, trying her best to withhold the twitch she felt coming on. Lying to the Black Widow had to be a death sentence. Natasha’s eyes narrowed and Darcy gulped. “I’m fine, really,” Darcy placated. “It’s that time of the month, you know how it is.” That answer seemed to appease the super spy and she turned back to the screen in front of them without another word on the subject.  

\---

Darcy watched the three scientists interact with each other. The Science Bro’s and Brah, respectively, were hard at work - or rather, hard at each other’s throats.

“We need to re-work this,” said Jane, marching over to where Tony was hunched over a machine and shoving a bunch of papers under his nose and shaking them.

“Uh, no, because I’m right.” He shoved the papers away from him and stood up straight. “I’m always right.”

“I don’t know about always,” Bruce coughed, rolling his eyes and rubbing the back of his neck.

“Always,” Tony affirmed, raising an eyebrow at them in disbelief.

“Darcy, I need those reports!” Jane snapped as she glared at Tony.

“Sure thing, Boss Lady.” Darcy saluted. Gathering up the reports she was working on, she walked them over to the trio. Grabbing them roughly out of Darcy’s hands, Jane practically hit Tony in the face with them.

“Look! Look at this!” she shook them again and he swiped them from her, glancing at them. Darcy turned to walk back to her desk and that’s when it happened. She felt weak and light headed, like she was going to vomit. She couldn’t seem to get enough air into her lungs and then the room began to spin. Her vision began to tunnel and fade to blackness.

“Crap,” she said as her knees buckled and body crumpled to the floor unconscious.

\---

Drawing in a deep breath, her eyes fluttered before opening to the light. Quickly she squinted and surveyed the room. She was in the hospital wing of the tower, laying in a bed, hooked up to a machine and to an IV.

“Double crap,” Darcy whispered to herself, her voice raw and husky. Looking around the room, she swallowed hard. Gathered around her was Jane, Thor and Bruce. A little behind them was Tony, Bucky and Steve, all trying to get a look at her. It was probably one of the most embarrassing situations she had ever been in. It also looked like she was going to get into some trouble, if Jane’s face was anything to go by.

“She’s awake!” Thor announced, smiling down kindly at her and helping her to sit up.

“You fainted,” Bruce said softly, checking her charts. “When was the last time you ate anything?”

“I don’t remember,” Darcy answered honestly.

“How are you feeling?” Jane cooed, running a hand through her hair in a motherly fashion.

“I’m fine… really.”

“Good,” Jane barked, her entire demeanor changing in an instant. Her response followed by a quick smack upside Darcy’s head.

“Hey!” Darcy ducked as Jane made a motion to do it again. Thor grabbed Jane’s arm and pulled her away from Darcy.

“Thor, control your woman!” Bucky snapped, edging between the two girls.

“My Jane cannot be controlled by a man…” Thor trailed off but turned to Jane and said, “but perhaps you should not accost the injured, my love.” She struggled a moment before settling down and glaring at Darcy.

“You know, for someone who nags the rest of us to eat, you sure do a poor job of looking after yourself.” Tony came forward and leant against the cabinet in the corner of the room. “What, we were all thinking it,” he held up his hands as he looked around the room at the dirty looks he was getting.

“Out.” Bucky pointed to the door.

“Uh, my tower, Tin man.”

“Out. Before I get angry,” said Bruce rather calmly - but that threat was never one to take lightly.

“Alright, alright.” Tony kept his hands up in surrender as he maneuvered around everyone and out the door.

“You should be fine, let the fluids finish and eat this sandwich.” Bruce produced a tray from nowhere and set it on her lap.

“Guys, I’m really fine, I just forgot to eat…” Darcy spoke into her lap, unable to look at them all. Her phones text message noise went off and Jane handed her the phone.

 _‘You’re in trouble with the Black Widow. Good job kid.’_ The message was from Clint.

“Triple crap,” Darcy whined. Not only was this the most embarrassed she could ever remember being, but now she had to fear for her life. An unhappy Widow was a deadly one. Crap, crapity, crap, crap.

\---

It had been two days since she had fainted and she had yet to have a moment to herself. Bucky and Steve or one or the other were practically glued to her side. They had probably drawn the short end of the stick and got stuck with watching her until Bruce felt like she was better enough to go back to work.

“Dude, sleeping is totally like dying.” Darcy looked over to an upside down Bucky who was seated across from her on the couch. Her feet were in the hair and her head was hanging over the seat cushions.

“I really don’t think it is, Doll,” he said, watching her swing her feet back and forth.

“Even if you don’t agree. How weird is it to lay comatose for 8 hours a night? Like aliens must think we shut off or something. It’s like what is wrong with these silly bags of meat?”

“Are you listening to yourself, Love?” he asked as he moved even closer to her, making her right herself and sit up straight.

“Maybe we’re like a solar powered type of robot and needed to recharge the batteries? Do alien robots even need to shut off and recharge?” she said, turning to face him and not missing a beat. “Think about it.”

“Oh I am now…” he trailed off, moving closer to her again. “Listen Darce…”

“You know I’m okay right? I just forgot to eat,” she said, looking away from him. “You don’t have to babysit me.”

“I’m not babysitting you,” he gave her a half truth. He wanted to be here but he also wanted to make sure she was eating and taking care of herself.

This was the girl that Steve was head over heels for. She was a bombshell, that was for sure and he couldn’t deny Steve for having excellent taste. But he didn’t know if this could work, what if there was nothing between them? Sure they got along, better than any of the other girls (including Peggy), but that didn’t mean there was anything romantic between them. There was only one way to find that out.

“Then why are you hovering?” she asked.

“I didn’t know spending time with my best girl was hovering.” He scooted even closer to her.

“Smooth talker.” She smiled at him.

“The smoothest.” He leaned in towards her, slowly, giving her time to move away.

“Bucky…” she whispered, when she realized what he was about to do. Her eyes wide and gaze unable to move from his lips. Gently, he closed the gap between them, his lips meeting hers in a soft kiss. Taking her head in his hands, he tangled his fingers in her hair as he deepened the kiss. It felt right to him. Like she belonged. Like he, too, wanted to take care of her and make sure nothing bad ever happened to her again.

Yeah, he could do this. There was definitely something there. He broke the kiss and rested his head on her forehead. Smiling down at her, he bent forward and kissed her nose before backing up. He watched her for a moment before winking and walking off. He needed to find Steve and tell him the good news.

\---

Bucky had kissed her.

Bucky, had, kissed her.

_BUCKY HAD KISSED HER!_

Her brain was malfunctioning. Oh God, she was a home wrecking whore! Steve was going to kill her. She was going to be murdered by Captain-freaking-America because The Winter-freaking-Soldier couldn’t keep it in his pants. What the hell was going on? She couldn’t process being kissed like that by someone who was in a pretty committed relationship. Why would Bucky do this?

“Maybe this is some weird, gay ritual, Darcy,” Darcy said to herself. “Like, ‘you’re my best friend, here’s some tongue.’” That must have been it, because honestly there was no reason for Bucky to kiss like that at all. She wasn’t even attractive and Bucky liked pretty things. So this couldn’t be romantic… still, though, best to play it safe and let things cool down before talking to him again also you know see how Steve takes it if he finds out.

“JARVIS.”

“Yes, Miss Darcy,” answered the AI politely but with a little something extra in his voice. Like he knew. Who was she kidding, of course he knew.

“Did you see what just happened?” Darcy asked carefully.

“I did.”

“Great,” Darcy sighed, dropping her head in her hands.

“Do not worry, Miss Darcy, unless the footage is specifically asked for, I will not tell a soul,” the AI tried to soothe her.

“Do you think that you might be able to tell me when Bucky is heading in my direction so I can avoid him?” she asked through her hands.

“I can,” affirmed JARVIS. “But forgive me if I do not think that will solve your problem.”

“It’s not for forever,” she said looking up. “It’s just until I figure out what to do and things have cooled down,” she explained to the AI.

“Alright, Miss Darcy, as you wish.”

“Thanks J.” She moved away from her door and into her apartment.

“My pleasure,” responded the AI. Darcy sighed. She was doing it again, avoiding him, even after he had told her not to do it again. She couldn’t help it. When things got messy, that’s what she did: avoid the problem and deal with it later… or never. But that kiss, oh God that kiss. It had been fantastic.

God, she was pathetic.

\---

_A.N: Hope you all are well._

_Friend me on_ [ _Tumblr_ ](http://isneezestars.tumblr.com/) _and_ [Twitter](https://twitter.com/JDUrsini) _if you want to keep up with me. Let’s talk. **Seriously**. Check out my profile to find out more about me_ _._


	8. Thanks but I'll Pass

 

The Broken Ones

Chapter Eight:

Thanks but I’ll Pass

\---

The elevator doors dinged as Darcy readjusted the coffee tray in her hands. She was in the lobby of Stark Tower having just come back from a Starbucks run. Of course she hadn’t needed to run to Starbucks, they had coffee in the tower but she had needed to get out for a while. Darcy had been back to work for a good three days now and was already beginning to feel stressed. It’s wasn’t that she hated her job or anything like that, it was just that she was so tired lately, no matter how much she slept. She wasn’t doing anything differently than she did normally but she was having trouble keeping up.

Opening slowly, the doors slid apart to reveal a beautiful red head in a pristine white suit waiting behind them.

“Oh good, just who I was looking for,” said Pepper briskly but warmly as she stepped off the elevator. Taking in her scraggly appearance and bags under her eyes, the older woman frowned.  

“Hi Pepper,” Darcy replied, moving out of the other woman’s way and making sure she didn’t stare to long. Darcy had never quite grown out of the ‘ _aw_ e’ phase that Pepper seemed to instill in people.

“I wanted to make sure you were doing okay, that your work load wasn’t too much?” the red head queried, exiting the elevator.

“I’m fine, really.” Darcy waved off the other woman’s concern with her free hand.

“If you’re sure? Because I know Tony is a handful and runs most people ragged and while you do take care of everyone else, you need to remember to take care of yourself too,” said Pepper seriously.

“I know and I will… I am!”

“Good because there aren’t many people Tony can stand.” Smiled Pepper as her phone began to ring. Checking the caller ID, she shrugged apologetically to Darcy before excusing herself. “I need to get this,” she said as she answered the phone and walked off into the lobby and over to where Happy was standing.

Darcy winced to herself as she got on the elevator. Could that have been any more embarrassing? Having Pepper Potts check up on her because she couldn’t take care of herself. God, she wanted to die.  

\---

Steve was doing a few bench presses in the gym when Bucky appeared. Sauntering over, he stopped at Steve’s head, looking down. With a flourish, he bent forward and leant his forearms on the bench press bar in Steve’s hands.

“Okay,” said Bucky with a nod.

“O-kay?” Steve grunted, pushing up against Bucky’s weight as the other man tried to crush him.

“Glad that’s settled.” Bucky’s matter-of-fact attitude made him laugh.

“Off,” Steve commanded. Pushing up, Bucky spotted him, helping him put down the bar gently. “What’s settled?” he asked, sitting up and reaching for his towel.

“Darcy,” answered Bucky nonchalantly, like it was obvious.

“Okay as in yes?” Steve clarified, not wanting to get his hopes up. Taking the towel, he wiped the sweat off of his face.

“Yes, Steve, that’s generally what one means when they say that word.”

“Okay!” Steve jumped off the bench and was standing in front of Bucky in a second.

“You’re all lit up like a kid come Christmas morning.”

“Shut up, Jerk.” Steve punched him in the shoulder once before slinging an arm around him in a half hug.

“Punk,” said Bucky playfully. “Get off me, you stink.”

“What helped you decide?” Steve laughed as he pulled away from Bucky and went to pick up his water bottle.

“I kissed her.” Bucky shrugged.

“You kissed her?” The water bottle stopped on the way to his lips, frozen in midair.

“Is there an echo in this place?” The other man looked around the room, making a show out of speaking a little louder than normally and listening for a response.

“You kissed her!” exclaimed Steve, pointing at Bucky in disbelief.

“Definitely an echo.” Bucky swept his long brown hair out of his eyes and let out a laugh at the look on Steve’s face.

“Not fair, I started this, I should have been the first to kiss her.” Steve pouted petulantly. He knew he didn’t have a claim over Darcy but he couldn’t help but feel a little left out. After all, it had been his idea.

“If I’d waited on you, we’d be waiting forever,” Bucky volleyed.

“That’s not totally true.” Steve threw his used towel at him and put the water bottle back down. “I’m just not good with Dames like you are.” Running a hand over his face, he cocked his head to the side in curiosity. “So, one kiss and you’re hooked?”

“Not just one kiss...” Bucky shoved Steve away from him when he saw the look on his face. “Oh relax, it was one kiss. What I meant was, when she was in the medical wing all I kept thinking was I never wanted to see her in there again. I never wanted to see her hurt and if there was anything I could do to prevent that in the future I was going to do it. Then I thought about you and how you wanted her with us and I kind of liked that idea. The only thing I needed to make sure of was the chemistry, so I kissed her.”

“And?” Steve prompted, leaning forward.

“Gossip.”

“Bucky!” Steve whined.

“Boy, our girl can kiss,” said Bucky, taking Steve around the shoulders and leading across the gym.

“Our girl… I like the sound of that.” A goofy smile spread across Steve’s face.

“So let’s go get her.” Bucky opened the door to the gym and shoved Steve through it. “After you shower.”  

\---

“You seen Darcy?” Bucky asked as he hurried into the common room practically running into Bruce.

“You just missed her.” The scientist pointed over his shoulder at the opposite exit looking baffled. “Took off like a bat out of hell.”

“Thanks, Doc.” Bucky nodded as he scratched the back of his neck and turned around, walking back the way he’d come. He’d been having a hard time getting a hold of Darcy since he and Steve had talked. Bucky was beginning to feel like he was being avoided and this was a new experience for him with the dames. Sure he’d always had to chase them but none of them had ever really run before. They had always wanted to be caught in the end. He could always stop letting her avoid him but that felt crude and he didn’t want to press his luck. Maybe suddenly kissing a dame with no pretenses and then running off afterwards wasn’t as great an idea as it had seemed when he’d first thought of it.

“Aw hell,” Bucky sighed. He might have just ruined this for them. Steve was going to be real miffed at him.

\---

As hard as Steve tired, he and Darcy never seemed to end up in the same space and it was beginning to make him neurotic. She wasn’t avoiding him, was she? She couldn’t possibly be… he’d done nothing wrong. In fact, they’d barely spoken since she came out of medical wing, so there was no way he could have messed this up already. Unless that was what she was mad about? No, it couldn’t be, Darcy wasn’t that type of girl. They were just having a bit of bad luck and that alone wasn’t enough to stop him. This was big. This was huge. This was the first time he’d ever really let himself hope since Peggy, and by golly he was going to do this right.

\---

Running down the hall, she skid past the door before doubling back and running through it into the stairwell. It had been a close call, she had narrowly avoided running into Steve. Booking it up the stairs two at a time, she heard the door to the stairwell open below her as he popped his head through the doorway.

“Darcy?” He called after her.

“Sorry, Steve, busy, talk later.” She yelled back down and kept climbing. Oh right, like she was going to bite that bullet, Darcy shuddered as she ran up a flight of stairs. He and Bucky had been on her trail for a week now, trying to get her alone and that just wasn’t happening. Bucky had probably told Steve what had happened between them and now he wanted to yell at her for it. Darcy didn’t think she could take an angry Captain America. Not right now.

Of course, she could always try and confess, he might go easier on her then but she didn’t see that going well either. _‘Hey Steve, I know we’re friends and you’re in a committed relationship but I made out with your boyfriend and it was freaking hot… sorry I betrayed your trust.’_ God she was a whore, a stupid, pathetic whore, who was going to keep running like the whore that she was. She only hoped she could keep up with being a step ahead of them all the time. In only a week’s time, she was starting to falter and Steve had almost snuck up on her this time. She was going to have to stay constantly vigilant in the future.

\---

Darcy had just stepped out of the elevator and on to the common floor when she was accosted. Closing her eyes tightly, she berated herself mentally. She had forgotten about them. Clint and Natasha. They had been on a mission since she had fainted, so she hadn’t had to avoid them, until now.

“Jugs,” Clint said in lieu of a greeting, slinging an arm across her shoulders and leading her into the common room.

“Barton! No!” She tried to pull away from him but he was too strong. She knew where this was going and she didn’t like it. She didn’t like it one bit.

“Best to rip it off like an old Band-Aid,” he whispered into her ear before shoving her into the T.V. room and leaning against the door frame blocking her exit.

“Nonono-Natasha, hi!” She barely stopped herself from bowling into the other woman. “Please don’t be mad at me,” she pleaded, getting right to the point. No sense in beating around the bush. Crossing her arms over her chest and widening her stance, the Black Widow looked down her nose at her.

“If you ever lie to me again, I will end you,” said Natasha calmly.

“C’mon, Nat, don’t be mad because you slipped up, everyone has off days,” Barton snickered, poking the bear.

“Not helping, Barton, not helping,” hissed Darcy, glaring over her shoulder at him.

“Don’t worry, _Dorogaya_ , I’m not mad, anymore,” Natasha said with a devious smile on her face, as she stepped closer to her.

“You’re not?” gulped Darcy. This had _‘trap’_ written all over it.

“No.”

“Why does this feel like it’s too good to be true?” Darcy asked, looking back over her shoulder and Clint for comfort.

“Because it is,” he laughed, moving into the room and making way for three people to enter. The soldiers... two of whom she had been doing her hardest to avoid.

“I hate you,” she said turning back to Natasha, her voice flat. The assassin said nothing but smiled at her like a cat who had caught the canary. Taking Darcy by the shoulders, Natasha forced her to turn and face the boys. With a pat on the back, she shoved her forward and into Bucky’s broad chest.

“Thanks Nat! You caught her for us!” said Bucky happily as he wrapped an arm around Darcy’s shoulders. “She’s been avoiding us.”

“Has she now?” The red head could barely contain her laughter. Clint didn’t even bother trying.

“Sam…” Darcy tried helplessly but he put his hands up in a _‘nothing I can do’_ gesture and walked away a smile on his face.

“Come with us Darce, we need to have a chat,” Steve stated, pulling on Bucky who pulled on her and dragging them out into the hallway and onto the elevator again. He was a little too chipper for the talk she knew was coming. They placed her between them and stood in silence as they rode the car to their floor. Both men had a hand on her shoulder as if she was going to bolt at any moment. Which, if she was being honest with herself, was what she totally planned to do. When they reached the boys apartment, Steve let them all in without saying anything and Darcy froze in place as close as possible to the door. She wanted an easy escape route for when Steve got really mad. Cocking a shoulder, Bucky leant against the wall as Steve stepped up to her. This was really going to suck.

“I’m just going to do it,” he said and then surged forward. Stumbling backwards, Darcy found herself stuck between the door and Steve’s massive chest.

“Do wha-” she started but was cut off by Steve’s lips in a gentle kiss. Her eyes fluttered closed as his hands came up and braced either side of her face. _This was nice. Wait, what was happening?_ Bringing her own hand up she placed it on his face, pinching his cheeks together with the one hand she made him pucker more. “What are you doing?” she said, pulling her head back a bit.

“I, uh,” he stumbled through his fish lips.

“Doll, if you don’t know, he’s not doing a very good job,” Bucky spoke up from his place beside them, bringing her attention back to him.

“Shut up, Jerk,” Steve stammered, his nose and ears colouring as he backed away from her looking dejected.

“Is this a joke?” she asked looking up at Bucky, confused.

“Doll?”

“Am I some kind of trophy?” she asked, shaking her head. “Both of you had to kiss me to be even?”

“What! No!” Steve expression changed from dejected to horrified in a split second.

“Because I gotta say, if that stops us from having a huge fight about Bucky and I kissing, I’m okay with it.” She exhaled and ran a hand through her hair. Steve’s mouth snapped shut as he stared at her blankly. Even Bucky seemed to be struggling to get his brain working. “I was really worried there! Do you know how bad I felt?” said Darcy starting to relax.

“You felt bad about our kiss?” Bucky asked softly.

“Of course I did! I had just kissed one of my closest friends boyfriends! That’s violates all girl codes everywhere!” she waved her hands frantically to make her point. “But if we’re cool, I can stop avoiding you,” she added without thinking.

“That would be nice, especially since we’d like to take you out,” Steve deadpanned, seemingly recovered from his earlier brain fart.

“Take me where?”

“On a date, Doll,” Bucky explained patiently.

“Oh,” Darcy dropped her flailing hands and stood still. “Is this a joke? Are you messing with me? Because, now this is getting mean.”

“No! Not a joke.” Steve looked to Bucky for help. This was not going how they had planned it at all.

“Oh…” she said again, still not moving.

“And…?” Bucky prompted her. The three stood in silence a minute as Darcy processed this new information. The males in the trio, growing increasingly uncomfortable with her silence.

“That’s okay,” she said finally, a smile breaking out of her pretty face. “You don’t have to do that. I know back in the day if you kissed a girl you probably went on a date with her first but it’s cool, you don’t have to do that with me… not that you know, you can kiss me whenever you want… I’m just saying… Shut up, Darcy.”

“Darcy.” Steve blinked and moved forward, holding out a hand to her.

“Anyways… I should get back to work,” she said, jamming her thumb over her shoulder and opening the door to their apartment.

“Dol-” Bucky tried but was cut off.

“Toodles!” She took off back down the hallway, her heart beating fast. She wasn’t in trouble and she had gotten to kiss the two hottest men she had ever met. Life was okay! She just wished they hadn’t thought they had needed to take her out because of it. Besides there was no way they were being serious. Look at her and look at them. If they were serious about wanting to go out, they wanted a plaything not an equal member of the relationship. They were just trying to save her honour or something silly like that. There was no way they would actually be interested in her… especially not when they had each other.

\---

“Okay.” Bucky nodded, taking the door out of Steve’s hands and closing it. “That could have gone better.”

“You don’t say?” Steve snapped before rolling his eyes and giving Bucky an apologetic look.

“The sass I am getting from you right now.” Bucky raised an eyebrow at Steve. “Oh cheer up.”

“Somehow, I didn’t see her rejecting us,” Steve sighed, stepping back from the door and leaning against the wall behind him.

“I don’t think she believed us,” said Bucky matter-of-factly.

“What do we do now, Buck?”

“Make her believe us.” Bucky shrugged like it was the most obvious answer in the world.

\---

_A.N: As a few of you may know, my cat passed away and it was really hard on me, she was my baby. I just wanted to say thank you to all of you who follow me on Tumblr and gave me your condolences and listened to me whine, it means a lot. Also this was the most ramble-y chapter ever._

_Friend me on_ [ _Tumblr_ ](http://isneezestars.tumblr.com/) _and_ [Twitter](https://twitter.com/JDUrsini) _if you want to keep up with me. Let’s talk. **Seriously**. Check out my profile to find out more about me_ _._


	9. Perseverance

The Broken Ones

Chapter Nine:   
Perseverance

\---

As Steve reached for his shirt again, Bucky slapped his hand away from it. Steve stopped, scowling at his childhood friend.

“Bucky, I don’t know about this,” he said, crossing his arms in front of his bare chest.

Bucky rolled his eyes. “Steve, you can’t back out now. This was your idea.”

“I know, I know, it’s just, she said no…” Steve replied, trying to side step Bucky and get back into their apartment, before somebody saw him.

“That is why we are going to woo her.” Bucky blocked him.

“Bucky,” he warned.

“Steve, you pansy.”

“I just don’t think walking around shirtless is the way to get a girl.” Steve stood his ground.

“Steven Grant Rogers, have you seen us lately? This is definitely the way to get a girl.” Bucky motioned to their chests and rolled his eyes in exasperation. “Besides, we are just showing her what she said no too, it’s an incentive to say yes next time.”

“Buck…”

“What?” Bucky shrugged. “JARVIS, can you confirm Darcy’s whereabouts for us?” he said, looking up at the ceiling.

“Of course, Sargent Barnes. Ms. Lewis is in the gymnasium,” replied the AI helpfully. Turning to Steve, Bucky threw his arm across his shoulders and turned him around. With a shove in the right direction, both men made their way down the hall and to the elevator. Getting in they pressed the button for the correct floor. Steve had been fidgeting the entire time, nervous and unable to stand still. Stopping in front of the door to the gym, Bucky turned Steve towards him once more.

“Let’s go, chin up and chest out, Rogers,” he said in his best drill sergeant voice before tossing him through the door. Following him through, they spotted their prey off to the left of them on the treadmills, already watching them.

“Hey, Darce.” Bucky waved, heading in her direction. Slowing the machine to fast, she stumbled off it.    

“Hey, hi,” she said colliding with Bucky as she tried to steady herself. “Hnngh” she pulled herself away from him and came face to face with Steve’s nipples. “Hellloooo, nurse.”

“Careful,” said Steve, placing a hand on her shoulder. Darcy gulped.

“Something wrong, Doll?” Bucky asked knowingly.

“What? No!” she exclaimed, shaking off Steve’s hand and stepping away from both of them.

“You should watch what you’re doing, these things can be dangerous,” Steve admonished.

“I, you…” Darcy stumbled. “I should go…” she finished, jabbing a thumb in the direction of the door. With a stiff shrug, she excused herself and high tailed it out of there. Turning to Steve with a smirk on his face, Bucky offered him a high five. The moment had been small but they had definitely gotten under her skin.

Steve gave him a look before, begrudgingly, slapping Bucky’s raised hand with his own.

\---

Darcy stretched wide, her arms high over her head, and yawned loudly as she walked down the hall towards her apartment. Stopping in front of the door, she was about to reach for the handle when she noticed a little yellow square stuck to the front, exactly at her eye height. It was a sticky note, and on it, written in perfect hand writing, was the message: ‘ _come to the common room. –BB & SR’._ Squinting at the note, she ripped it off her door and shoved it in a pocket before rolling her eyes and turning back around.

She really wasn’t in the mood to be around people right now. She was feeling pretty grouchy with herself and the world and just wanted to be left alone. She was in one of those moods where she was doubting herself. Why was she even here? She felt so out of place in the tower. Darcy scowled at a vase as she passed it, working hard to curb the urge to smash it like a petulant child might. It was probably more expensive than everything she owned combined. Pausing, she took a deep breath before squaring her shoulders and walking into the common room.

“You rang?” she said sassily, glancing around the room. Bucky was lounging on the couch and Steve was entering the room from the kitchen a bunch of cans of coke in hand.

“I believe we wrote,” Steve corrected her.

“It’s from the Adams Family… never mind.” She shrugged. “Why did you write?”

“C’mere.” Bucky waved her over.

“I’m here,” she said as she plodded across the room.

“Good, now sit,” Steve commanded as he placed the drinks onto the coffee table. With a sigh, Darcy dropped herself beside Bucky.

“Okay, I’m sitting.”

Reaching forward, Bucky grabbed the remote for the TV and switched it on as Steve settled himself down on Darcy’s other side.

“Guys is this...?” she trailed off as she pointed to the TV from between the boys. “Oh my God it is! This is my favourite movie!”

“We know and we’ve never seen it. Who better to watch it with then you?” Bucky smiled coyly at her.

“Popcorn?” offered Steve.

“You guys are the best!” Darcy cheered, reaching for the popcorn and snuggling in, getting ready for the movie. If this was a peace offering for kissing her, it was a damn good one.

\---

Her armour was on, her smile was in place and her coffee was iced… she was golden. Making her way back to the labs from her Starbucks run, Darcy felt normal and that was a rare thing for her. It had been a quiet week with the boys being on a mission and all, but that seemed to be just what the doctor ordered. She felt almost recharged. Leisurely, she walked into the labs and quickly spied Jane tinkering with some equipment.

“I’m back,” she called out, not expecting a reaction from the other woman. Making her way back to her desk, she stopped as she spotted something unusual laying on her laptop.

“What are these, Jane?” asked Darcy, grabbing the tickets and waving them at her boss.

“They look like movie tickets to me,” answered Jane, pausing in her work to look up a moment.

“Funny, did you give them to me?”

“Nope, he did.” Jane pointed over her shoulder and went back to her work. Turning around, Darcy saw Steve and Bucky crowding the doorway in full uniform, clearly having just returned from their mission. They were both smiling hopefully. Darcy frowned at them, causing their smiles to falter.

“Hallway, now,” she said walking across the room and shoving them back out the door. “What are these?” she held up the tickets again.

“Well, Doll, they look like movie tickets.” Bucky smirked.

“Hilarious, is everyone a comedian today?” Darcy rolled her eyes.

“We were hoping you’d go on a date with us,” said Steve, bringing a hand up and rubbing the back of his neck, a light blush creeping up the back of it.

“But I already let you off the hook.” Darcy shoved the tickets into Steve’s chest. “You don’t have to take me out just because we kissed.”

“Darcy, we want to take you out.” Steve clutched at the tickets.

“Yeah right, listen you are great guys but don’t do this to yourselves.” She turned back to the lab.

“Darcy,” Steve tried.

“I gotta get back to work, alright?” Shifting her weight, she shrugged as Steve stepped forward. “See you later?”

“Yeah, Doll, we’ll see you later,” said Bucky, placing a hand on Steve’s chest to stop him. Bucky waved to her as she disappeared back into the labs. Taking the tickets from Steve, he shoved them into a pocket and sighed.

“Bucky, how are we supposed to do this if she keeps saying no?” Steve’s shoulders slumped in defeat in a very un-Captain America way.

“Perseverance?” Bucky shrugged. He had never been rejected so many times and by the same dame too.

“I don’t think she believes us,” Steve stated.

“That, or she has a really low opinion of herself.”

“Have you met Darcy?” Steve laughed, punching Bucky in the shoulder.

“Then, if we want this, we have to keep trying.” Bucky turned to leave. “Let’s go shower, we stink.”

“That probably didn’t win us any points.”

\---

Cracking the egg on the side of the pan, Steve let the yolk slide out and onto the sizzling surface. Glancing up, he watched Bucky reading the newspaper for a moment, the other man sitting at the breakfast bar. This was one of Steve’s favorite times of day, the post workout meal, also known as breakfast. Steve loved breakfast, making it, eating it, not so much the cleanup but you couldn’t have everything.

“Captain,” JARVIS spoke, breaking his concentration.

“Yes, JARVIS.”

“I thought you might like to know that Ms. Lewis is currently being courted.”

“What?” Steve looked up flabbergasted. Turning off the stove, he took the pan off the heat and turned to his compatriot.

“Where?” asked Bucky, folding the newspaper and tossing it onto the table.

“Floor 42, south side, near the restrooms,” reported the AI. With a quick glance at each other, the two super soldiers dashed from the room and out of their apartment. Rounding the corner, they took the stairs down as fast as possible before bursting through the 42nd stairwell door and startling the mail currier.

“Sorry!” Steve apologized, taking the corner a little too fast. Their target came into view, standing face to face with a scrawny looking boy.

“Darcy!” Bucky practically shouted, before realizing where he was and ducking his head.

“Bucky, Steve, what are you doing here?” asked Darcy, surprised.

“What are we doing here? What are you doing here?” Bucky shook his finger at her and then pointed to the boy beside her.

“Scram, Son.” Steve crossed his arms over his massive chest. The boy took a step back, his brown eyes widening in fear. Looking between the three of them, he took another step away from Darcy.

“Allan, wait…” she said softly.

“Sorry, Darcy, I should get back to work,” he said with his hands up in a nonthreatening gesture before turning and speeding away from them.

“You see how annoying that is?” Bucky jabbed a thumb over his shoulder at Allan’s retreating form. Darcy looked between the two soldiers a muddled expression of anger and shock on her face.

“Okay, you guys need to stop,” said Darcy, without any pretences. She shoved a finger into both of their chests, poking them, hard.

“What does that guy have that we don’t?” asked Steve, rubbing his chest.

“Well for starters, knowledge of the 21st century and two, he’s not in a committed relationship!”

“Is that what’s bothering you? The fact that we are together?” Bucky’s shoulders sagged in relief. She didn’t want to date them because they were in a relationship, not because she didn’t like them! “Darcy, we would like to open up this duo and make it a trio… with you,” Bucky clarified and paused to let that information sink in.

“You know this is weird right? Like even for the 21st century, this is weird.” Putting her hands on her hips, she shifted her weight to one side.

“Just because it’s weird doesn’t mean it can’t work,” said Steve hopefully.

“Do you know how weird it was for us to be together back then?” Bucky looked around the floor, glaring at any staff watching them. “All we’re asking is for you to give this a shot.”

“One date.” Steve held up a solitary digit.

“You guys are serious?” Darcy stared up at them, bewildered.

“As a heart attack.” Bucky grinned, crossing his heart in an x motion.

“Why?” she asked.

“Why not?” Bucky countered, making Steve punch him in the shoulder and glare at him, giving him a silent warning that said ‘ _don’t mess this up_.’

“Because you are everything we ever dreamed of and so much more Darcy,” explained Steve. Reaching forward, he tucked a stray stand of hair behind her ear.

“I don’t know what to say…” Darcy trailed off and stared at them.

“Say yes,” prompted Steve.

“One date,” she relented. The boys’ faces broke out into identical smiles.

“You won’t regret this!” said Steve.

“Come, Steve, before we mess this up.” Bucky grabbed the smitten captain and pulled him away from her. “We’ll call you,” he said, looking over his shoulder at her.

“Bucky, she said yes!” was the last thing Darcy heard as Steve got dragged away, his grin ear to ear.

What had she just said yes too?

\---

_A.N: Please don’t hate me! I know I’ve been gone a while but since my cat passed away, I’ve had two more deaths in the family and I just haven’t felt like writing._

_Friend me on_ [ _Tumblr_ ](http://isneezestars.tumblr.com/) _and_ [Twitter](https://twitter.com/JDUrsini) _if you want to keep up with me. Let’s talk. **Seriously**. Check out my profile to find out more about me_ _._


	10. To Be an Equal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE ATTEMPT.

The Broken Ones

Chapter Ten:  
To Be an Equal

\---

With a huff, Darcy dropped onto her bed, falling face first into the mattress. What had she been thinking? She had said yes to going out with two super soldiers… at the same time, on the same date and she had _nothing_ to wear! None of her clothes were good enough to be seen with two Adonis’. Sure, they had decided on doing something casual so as not to make their first date too intense, but that didn’t help her at all. She couldn’t just wear the same thing she wore every day, could she?

Pushing herself off the bed she marched over to her closet and pulled it open. Rifling through all of her clothing, she sighed and looked down at her stomach. Bringing up a hand, she pinched the fat around her middle and scowled… anything tight was out of the question. Maybe she could wear what she normally wore and just play up the makeup and do something nice with her hair? That would probably work, they _were_ males after all, they probably wouldn’t even notice. Taking out a fancier baggy sweater and a pair of skinny jeans, she nodded to herself. She could do this.

Staring at the clothing in her hands, Darcy let her mind wander. Could this really work? The three of them? Together? How was this possible? What happened if their date didn’t go well? Would they still be friends? Probably, she didn’t think Steve and Bucky would treat her any differently just because they didn’t have the right kind of chemistry. But what happened if it did work? What would happen then? Would they continue to see each other? Again, probably, what reason was there to stop? But then, where did that leave her? How did she fit in to their equation? They had been together for so long, known each other for decades. How could she compete with that? How could she be seen as an equal, when she wouldn’t be one? There was no way this dynamic could work. She was setting herself up for failure and heartache. Darcy shook her head but it was too late, a little seed of dread had begun to sprout in the pit of her stomach. She would have to be careful about this.

\---

At exactly 6:01 PM there came a jaunty knock on her door before J.A.R.V.I.S announced that it was, in fact, her two suitors. Two, she still couldn’t get over that. She wasn’t even used to having one. Walking to the door she stood in front of it and paused… this was it. Could she do this?

\---

The bowling ball flew down the center off the lane, hitting its target and sending the pins flying in all different directions. Steve watched his victory a moment before turning around, a hand on the back of his neck, sheepishly grinning at her.

“It’s freaking cheating to let you bowl,” said Darcy, getting up and walking over to pick up her bowling ball.

“I find that statement offensive,” laughed Steve as he passed her on the way back to check his score.

“I find you offensive. The ball didn’t even roll! It just skid all the way into a strike!” Darcy called over her shoulder as she lined up her shot. Holding the ball up to her chest, she wound up and released it. It rolled true for a tenth of a second before becoming a magnificent gutter ball.

“What can I say?” Steve shrugged. “I’m just that good.”

“You’re just a cheater…” said Darcy as she returned to them. “At least you have to play switch.” She pointed at Bucky. Sitting down and reaching for her drink.

“Who knew you were such a sore loser, Doll.” Bucky winked at her as she took a sip of her Pepsi. Standing, he tweaked her nose before going to get his ball.

“Who knew Cap was so competitive and I am not a sore loser, I just don’t like cheaters.” She rubbed her nose. That was such a grandpa thing to do, she couldn’t help but smile.

“Would you rather I take it easy on you?” asked Steve semi seriously. He had an inkling of what the answer would be but he wanted to make sure.

“No,” she sulked, placing her drink back on the table.

“Then stop whining,” he teased.

“Well aren’t you Mr. Sassy Pants.” Darcy crossed her arms over her chest.

“So Sassy.” Bucky returned, a grin on his face and Darcy couldn’t help but smile back.

“Next time we go to an arcade,” she said, moving over so that he could sit beside her.

“Next time eh?” he questioned, a glint of hope in his eye and his grin transforming into a smirk.

“Shut up.”

\---

Darcy stood in front of her door, looking up at both soldiers. They had walked her home and it was kind of weird. Who did that? She had never had someone walk her back to her place before. Though she supposed since they lived in the same vicinity it was easier for them to do… but she had the feeling they would have walked her home regardless of where they lived. Taking a step back, so it was easier to look up at them, she took in the two hulking super soldiers in front of her. They looked nervous and Darcy couldn’t help but fight a smile. It made her feel important, they made her feel important, having them wait on an answer from her.

“I had a good time,” she said honestly.

“So did we and we’d like to do it again?” asked Bucky, his question hung in the air between them, waiting for a response. She paused, pretending to think it over and letting them stew.

“We can do it again,” she answered him, putting them out of their misery.

“Really?” Steve’s eyes took on a hopeful gleam, like he couldn’t believe she had just said that and honestly, she couldn’t either. What was she thinking? This was just asking for her heart to be broken.

“Yes,” she affirmed, causing his entire face to break into a wide grin. Rushing forward he scooped her up into his arms. Pressing his lips to hers his in a gentle kiss, his ears reddened at the realization of what he’d just done. He set her down softly and stepped back. Darcy’s head was spinning. That was their first kiss and it had been absolutely, perfect.

“I guess and now you?” Darcy asked, looking over at Bucky. He had an expression of utter glee on his face but somehow still managed to smirk through it. She rolled her eyes at him.

“Don’t force yourself,” he said, his grin widening.

“Get over here.” Reaching out, she grabbed his lapel and pulled him forward. This kiss was nothing like their first, it was soft but no less skilled. If there was one thing Bucky Barnes knew how to do, this was it. “Still weird but I’m trying.” She stepped back and opened her door, her cheeks going red at the look in Steve’s eye. What had she gotten herself into?

“That’s all we ask, Doll.”

\---

Life was surprising Darcy and it hadn’t done that in a long time. It was, for lack of a better term, going well. She loved her job, she wasn’t as sad as she normally was and she was dating two seriously hot super soldiers. What had she done to deserve this? It was as if someone was looking out for her. There was a light shining down on her and she could finally see the opening at the end of the tunnel. It was like she could breath for the first time in a while and she was on cloud nine because of it.

Bucky and Steve were great; they were kind, considerate and easy on the eyes. When they weren’t on missions, they were always around and that was something she could get used too. Their relationship was going strong and even if she wasn’t an equal, it was still nice to be included in something so intimate. Darcy doubted she would ever truly be an equal in this relationship, but right now that didn’t matter. Right now, all she wanted to do was enjoy it and not think about the future and what could happen. She wanted to be happy and this was the closest she had come in years.

\---

“You know, when we first started dating, I never thought you’d be this affectionate,” said Darcy as Bucky sidled up behind her, casually wrapping his arms around her waist.

“Is being affectionate a bad thing?” he asked, nuzzling her ear.

“No.” Darcy put down the bread knife she was using to make sandwiches.

“Good, because I like touching you.” He kissed her temple.

“Good, because I like being touched by you.” She turned in his embrace to face him, leaning back against the kitchen counter, she looked up. “And you too.” She nodded at Steve over Bucky’s shoulder. Steve winked at her and she felt her knees go weak.

“Doll, can I ask a question?” The lightness of Bucky’s tone offset the seriousness of the question but Darcy couldn’t help but feel her stomach drop.

“Uh-oh.” She kept her voice airy and her mask in place, preparing for the worst.

“It’s nothing bad, I was just wondering why you cover up all the time,” said Bucky, tugging on another baggy sweater she was wearing yet again.

“Because no one wants to see this,” she laughed off his inquiry and turned away from him. Pulling out of his arms she went back to making their lunch.

“We do,” Steve piped up from behind her, shrugging at Bucky and making a face that said he clearly thought she was crazy.

“Doll, are you kidding me? You have an amazing body.” Bucky wedged himself into the corner beside her.

“Okay, okay.” Darcy rolled her eyes and waved the bread knife dismissively.

“No, you do,” affirmed Bucky.

“I just feel more comfortable this way,” she huffed and handed him a plate of sandwiches that were all for him.

“Alright, if that’s what the reason is then no problem.”

“That’s the reason, don’t worry, have you met me? Please, like I have self-esteem issues.” She went back to making more sandwiches for herself and Steve. Trying desperately to keep her mask in place, not wanting them to know how close they’d come to the truth.

“See, I told you, Buck,” said Steve, punching Bucky in the shoulder like he should have known better then to ask.

“Okay, you were right,” shrugged Bucky, taking a bite out of one of his several sandwiches. “I won’t mention it again”

\---

Maybe there was hope. Perhaps, just perhaps, she wasn’t so alone and perhaps, just perhaps, she had found people she could rely on. People who weren’t perfect, like she had originally thought, but who were cracked and broken just like she was. Boys, who had flaws but still somehow managed to make it work. That gave her hope. If they were able to function and live through all of the stuff they had been through, then, possibly, she could too. She wanted this. God, she wanted this. She wanted to be loved.

Darcy wanted to tell them how they made her feel. How when they were around things weren’t so bad. How sometimes she got sad. She wanted to tell them that sometimes there were days where she couldn’t get out of bed and how she didn’t think that was normal. She wanted to tell them all the things she thought. Things like how she was afraid to sleep and how much she hated herself. She wanted to ask for help because she trusted them and she knew they would take care of her. She was safe when she was with them.

There had been so many times when all of this was on the tip of her tongue. Times where she had been so close to spilling all her dirty little secrets but she always stopped herself. They weren’t ready for that, were they? If she looked at them hard enough she could see their cracks too. Cracks that had been filled in and painted over to look like they weren’t there. But they could still be seen if one looked hard enough. Cracks that she was afraid she might reopen if she added pressure to them. If she added her troubles to their shoulders, then they would leave her. They would realize how broken she really was and they would leave her and she would be alone in the darkness once more. So she kept her mouth shut but that didn’t stop her from wanting to tell them. She counted that as a win in itself because she had never wanted anyone to know before and now… she wanted nothing more than to tell them.

\---

Darcy rolled over in her bed, trying in vain to get comfortable. It looked like it was going to be a sleepless night for her. Darcy sighed. She had been together with the boys for a while now but she had yet to spend the night. They had never asked, so she had never stayed. She wanted to, she really wanted to. She often thought about what it would be like to wake up in their arms. She wondered if Steve snored and if Bucky drooled in his sleep. These were questions she had no answers too and it was keeping her awake. Still, she wouldn’t be the one to press the matter. Darcy didn’t want to drive them away from her. She wanted them to be comfortable and when they were ready, they would ask her to spend the night. She was afraid that if she pushed them, they would leave her and she didn’t know if she could deal with that. Maybe when they asked her, she would feel more like an equal, more like she belonged. Until then, she would cuddle her pillow instead of her boys and dream of being surrounded by their warmth.  

\---

They had asked her! They had finally asked her to spend the night! She was so excited. This was a big moment for them, for their relationship. This was another step towards her being on par with them and that was huge. But more importantly, she needed to dig out her cute pajamas.

\---

Darcy jerked awake, something was wrong, a metal hand began to crush her windpipe. Bucky’s face swam into view above her except it wasn’t him… it was The Winter Soldier, they had never formally met but she had heard stories. His fingers tightened.

“Steve, help!” She barely got the words out but he was there in a second, tackling Bucky and pinning him on the bed.

“Bucky!” shouted Steve as the other man writhed. “Bucky wake up! It was just a dream!” Steve struggled with him a moment before he went limp. With a jerk and a giant shove to get Steve off of him, Bucky sat up and turned to Darcy.

“Are you okay?” he asked, his voice rough and laced in fear.

“I’m okay,” she said trying to sound reassuring and she would have pulled it off too, if her voice hadn’t cracked as she said it. Bucky blanched and flung himself off the bed. Storming across the room, he marched into the bathroom and slammed the door. A moment later the lock clicked and the sound of a mirror smashing filled the apartment.

“Darcy, Honey, I think you should go,” Steve said as he got off the bed and offered her a hand to help her do the same.

“But-”

“We’ll come see you tomorrow.” He ushered her out of the bedroom and through the apartment. Within moments she was standing in the hallway, alone and broken. She would never be their equal.

\---

Darcy had taken half the bottle, when the vomiting started. Her body was trying to reject the poison she was force feeding it. Her body shook as she heaved again, emptying her stomach into the toilet. Wiping the vomit from her chin she sat back against the wall and reached for the bottle of Aspirin once more. Hands shaking, she poured out another handful and downed it dry.

God she was so tired of this. She couldn’t even die with dignity. Darcy’s head lolled to once side before dropping her chin to her chest. She was so tired. Everything ached, which was funny because wasn’t Aspirin supposed to stop that? The room began to blur as the edges of her vision blackened. Forcing her head back, it thunked against the wall as she lost consciousness. The bottle she held onto falling from her hand and making a loud clattering as it landed, scattering what little pills remained across the bathroom floor.

\---

_A.N: So I tried to be as respectful as possible. I’m sorry if this upsets you or offends you but it was always going to go this way. Also expect a bit of a hiatus, I need to write a chapter of my novel before I write another chapter for my fic._

_Friend me on_ [ _Tumblr_ ](http://isneezestars.tumblr.com/) _and_ [Twitter](https://twitter.com/JDUrsini) _if you want to keep up with me. Let’s talk. **Seriously**. Check out my profile to find out more about me_ _._


	11. And Then There Was Light

The Broken Ones

Chapter Eleven:   
And Then There Was Light

\---

The pill bottle fell to the floor with a loud clatter that was joined by the bathroom door bursting off its hinges. Feet thundered toward her, causing the ground to vibrate as she lost consciousness.

\---

Darkness.

There was nothing.

\---

Had this been his fault? Had he caused this? It had been an accident! He hadn’t meant to put his hands on her, it had been a dream, and he couldn’t control himself. Bucky pressed his head against the cool glass of the waiting room window. With a groan the window sill split under the pressure of his metal hand. This was his fault. He should have paid more attention to the signs, but she hid everything so well. If - no, when - she got better, he would make this right. If she told him to leave, he would, but if by God she didn’t, he would spend the rest of his life making it up to her.

The rest of his life.

\---

Sitting on the stiff waiting room chair, Steve heard the glass of the window behind him creak under the pressure of Bucky’s metal hand. The other man was hurting, but Steve couldn’t bring himself to comfort him. It had all been falling into place; he had been creating a life for himself, one that he’d been dreaming about for decades. Steve raked a hand through his hair. He’d had it all, a beautiful dame and his best friend and somehow they were all together and happy. He’d still been able to help people and save the world, then come home to a warm bed. He’d been able to come home. _Home_. Something he hadn’t had in _so_ long - and now it was all slipping away and he was just so angry.

\---

Swirling darkness and snippets of consciousness intermingled in the abyss that she floated in. A steady beeping sound kept her company on her journey back to the light.

“Darcy?” she heard her name being called and she moaned. The voice was deep and sounded a lot like Steve’s.

“Darcy!” Another man practically shouted in her ear. This gritty voice she knew too well. It was Bucky. “Sweetie, can you hear me?” he continued. “Doll, it’s going to be okay.” She felt something cool take her hand.

“Everything’s going to be okay,” Steve repeated Bucky’s earlier words. With great effort, Darcy opened her eyes and then shut them tightly again. The light blinded her as she heard other people enter the room. Cool fingers grabbed her wrist and began to count her pulse. An eyelid was pulled back and a flashlight shone into her eye. She tried to speak but was hushed.

“Is she going to be okay?” Steve asked someone but was brushed off. His voice was getting further away from her. She heard Bucky arguing with someone else about staying where he was but she assumed he lost the argument as it got quiet… or maybe she fading again.

\---

She had been awake for a day and was feeling too many things at once. She cried constantly when she thought about the shame she felt, the shame she felt for trying to kill herself and the shame she felt for not accomplishing the act. The doctors were pumping her full of medications she couldn’t remember the names of and she had been alone for 12 hours with no one but the nursing staff allowed to see her. The doctors felt it would be too overwhelming if everyone dropped in at once. The moment he was allowed, Bucky joined her and was constantly by her side, refusing to leave her even for food. Steve came and went, but didn’t speak much when he was with her. And the others didn’t know what to say when they looked at her. Everyone was walking on eggshells, and she knew it.

A timid knock on her hospital room door drew her attention away from the window. Bruce stood hovering at the entry way to her room. Bucky stood from his chair, waving the doctor in and heading to stand by her side.

“Um, hi,” he said, pulling at his collar. It was nice to see him without a white coat on for once. “Can I speak with Darcy alone?” he asked the soldier. Bucky hesitated a moment, before a nod from her sent him out of the room.

“Sure thing, Doc,” he said. He patted her leg. “I’ll be outside if you need anything.”

He walked out the door, closing it behind him.

“Hi,” she smiled pitifully at him, knowing how she must appear. Looking around the room nervously, he entered and crossed to her bedside. Clearing his throat, he stared down at her.

“I do yoga and meditate every morning at 6 AM. I think you should consider joining me,” he said, getting straight to the point. “Yoga and meditation have many benefits and its part of what helped me find my inner peace when I was depressed,” he continued, his left hand hovering over her shoulder like he wanted to pat it. “I know what you’re going through Darcy, I’ve been there. Let me help you.” He rested his hand on her shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. The offer and his gentle touch struck Darcy and her eyes began to water.

“Why?” she asked, tears welling up, she never thought Bruce cared so much. They didn’t really talk, all she did was make sure he was fed and tea-ed. Why would he want to help her?

“Because that’s what friends do,” he said, the understanding in his eyes making her heart clench. A sob escaped her and she covered her mouth with a hand. Bruce bent down and hugged her tightly. She clung to him like her life depended on it, because, at that moment, it did.

And that was how Bucky found them when he walked through the door 10 minutes later, coffee in hand.

\---

Darcy was seeing a side of Bucky she’d only heard stories about. She had heard that when Steve had been pre-serum, Bucky had been a little bit of a _‘mother hen’_ to him, but she hadn’t really thought about what that had meant before. Now she knew. It meant she had to shoo him out of the bathroom when she needed to go. It meant that when it was time to get clean, the only way he would let her shower on her own was if she kept the door slightly cracked so he could hear if she needed help. It meant that she was never alone and never had to do anything for herself. It also meant that she spent most of her time glaring at him, telling him she was fine and that she wasn’t going to do anything to herself again. That didn’t stop him though. He was glued to her side.

\---

Grabbing an apple from the kitchen, Steve paused as he watched Bucky and Darcy on the sofa together. She had been spending all of her time on their floor since her discharge from the hospital. It wasn’t that Steve didn’t want her around, it was just… he was still so angry.

“Steve, come join us,” called Bucky, bringing him out of his thoughts.

“I would but I was just goin-”

“Would you stop avoiding me?” Darcy snapped, cutting him off and pushing herself off the couch suddenly. Against his better judgement Steve slammed the apple onto the counter, squishing it.

“Stop avoiding you? Fine, you want me to do that then we’re going to have this out,” he broke, walking around the counter and into the living room.

“Steve,” Bucky warned, standing and getting ready to intervene.  

“How could you do that?” Steve ignored the other man, focusing all his attention on the petite brunette in front of him.

“Steve!” Bucky moved forward but was stopped by Darcy.

“NO! Bucky!” Steve barked. “I need to know.” He wiped his hand off on his jeans. Taking a breath, he tried to calm himself but failed. “How could you be so selfish?”

“Excuse me?” Darcy took a step toward him, not believing this was coming from him. Of all the people she expected to yell at her, it wasn’t Steve.

“How could you do it?” he pressed on, matching her step.

“Why do you care?!” Darcy shouted.

“Because I love you!” he shouted back, grabbing her shoulders and shaking her lightly. “How could you just leave us like that?” His voice broke as he probed for the answer to the question that had plagued him for the last two weeks.

“No, you don’t!” Darcy wrenched herself from his grip and bumped into Bucky as he gaped at her. “You don’t love me,” she sobbed. “No one loves me…” she cried, covering her face in shame. Bucky and Steve stared at each other in shock before Steve broke. Anger deflating, he gathered her in his arms and kissed the top of her head.

“Oh, Honey, no,” he whispered to her as Bucky joined them, encircling her with their love. This was going to be a long road to recovery.

\---

“Why did you do it?” Jane asked suddenly. She had managed to ditch Bucky for a while by telling him she wanted to spend some time with Jane and Thor in the labs. Jane was the only one who had yet to even come check in on her. Even Pepper had flown in and spent a few hours with her, running her hands through her curly hair and promising shopping trips when she could rearrange her schedule.

“Jane, this is not an appropriate topic for discussion,” Thor warned, a look of mortification on his face at the lack of tact Jane was showing.

“No Thor, it’s appropriate,” said the scientist, arms crossed and hip cocked to one side. “Why didn’t you come to me?” she pushed on, crowding Darcy. “Answer me,” she demanded, her small frame shaking.

“Because… all I do is bother you,” Darcy whispered, eyes glued to the ground. “I get in your way, I stop you from doing science, I’m useless and I’m sorry. Why on earth would I tell you all this?” asked Darcy, shaking her head and making a motion to move away from the little scientist.

“Because I’m your friend and I love you!” exclaimed Jane, grabbing onto one of Darcy’s arms and dragging her into a hug. Looking up, Darcy tried not to cry but she felt the tears welling up in her eyes. Her lips trembled as Jane let go and stepped back.

“Do not ever say you are useless again. Jane is very fond of you, as am I,” said Thor earnestly. “You are loved, Darcy, you just need to let yourself believe it.” Darcy began to cry again as Thor gathered both of his girls into his arms for a group hug.

\---

Tony entered the common room without his normal pizzazz and Darcy sighed. Walking to the bar, he eyed her the entire way. Rolling her eyes she took the converter and shut off the television.

“Not you too,” said Darcy, tossing the clicker onto the couch. It was rare she had time alone these days. She expected someone to come keep an eye on her but she didn’t think it would be Tony.

“Did Bucky send you to look after me?” Darcy asked skeptically.

Tony poured himself a glass of whisky and shook his head. “The tin man? Nah, he’d never ask me to do something like that.”

Darcy sighed in relief.

“He asked him,” Tony continued, pointing over his shoulder.

“Hey,” Sam said from the entrance way-looking sheepish.

“Mind if I drink while we do this?” asked Tony, holding up his glass.

“It’s your ‘ _house’_.” Darcy sighed.

“I’d offer you one, but the sparrow here said no.” Tony gestured to Sam with a frown.

“Sorry, but drinking is maybe something you should stay away from right now,” Sam said softly as he entered the room and took a seat on the edge of the couch, far away from her, giving her space.

“It’s okay, I get it.” Darcy shrugged.

“Listen…” Tony walked over to her, drink in hand and pained expression on his face. He paused and watched her; for what, she didn’t know.

“Spit it out, Tony.” She was a little annoyed.

“Hey now, this is hard for me, I don’t do this touchy feely bullshit,” he said, taking a seat on the table across from her. Taking a deep breath and a sip of his drink, he sighed. “I just need you to realize you are a badass for even getting out of bed in the morning.” He put his glass down and leant his forearms on his knees. “And I mean that.” Darcy opened her mouth to reply but fell short. Of all the things she had expected from Tony, that wasn’t one of them.

“I guess I never thought of it that way,” she said after a long pause.

“You have all this on you and yet you still get up and face the day, so yeah, badass,” said Sam with a nod.

“I think, I’ll try and remember that first thing tomorrow morning.” Darcy drew her sweater closer around her, contemplating what the two men had just said to her.

“Good, and by the way, you’re going to start therapy with Sam soon.” Tony downed his drink and stood.

“Smooth, Stark, real smooth,” stated Sam, a deadpan look upon his face.

“What?” He shrugged and turned back to her. “Don’t worry about any medications, they’ll be covered.”

“You d-” started Darcy but she was cut off by Tony.

“Listen, Kid, this is the only thing I know how to do, I throw money at problems and hope they go away… please let me help you.”

“Okay,” said Darcy quietly, unable to look at them.

“Good,” Tony sounded surprised. “Good! That was easier than I thought.” He slapped his thigh and went to get another drink.

It looked like Darcy was going to therapy.

\---

_A.N: Guys… I’m obsessed with a new OTP… QuickTaser._

_Friend me on_ [ _Tumblr_ ](http://isneezestars.tumblr.com/) _and_ [Twitter](https://twitter.com/JDUrsini) _if you want to keep up with me. Let’s talk. **Seriously**. Check out my profile to find out more about me_ _._

_If anyone is interested, I’m conducting a little experiment and writing a novel on Tumblr about depression. You can check it out_ [ _here_ ](http://cassie-j-noble.tumblr.com/) _, it’s in Tumblr/Diary format and is completely free to read._


	12. Not Alone

The Broken Ones

Chapter Twelve:   
Not Alone

\---

God, she hated herself. Why had she agreed to talk to Sam? Sure, he was nice enough, but she really didn’t want to talk to him about this. How could he possibly understand what was going through her head, when she didn’t understand it herself? Thinking about making an appointment with Sam was giving her anxiety. Her heart was pounding in her chest as she grabbed another shirt from her dresser and stuffed it into her suitcase. Who had she been kidding when she signed on to work for Jane? Who had she been kidding when she had gone to work for S.H.I.E.L.D.? Who had she been kidding when she’d come to work for Stark? No one but herself.

Marching across the room, she entered the bathroom and grabbed her toothbrush.

“Darce?” called Bucky from the bedroom door. “What are you doing, Doll?” he asked when she stormed back in.

“Packing,” said Darcy, moving around him and back to her suitcase.

“Can I ask why?” He followed behind her closely.

“Because I’m leaving,” she said, closing up her suitcase and standing, almost bumping into him. She was out of here.

“Again, can I ask why?” he pushed.

“Because I don’t need this.” She jabbed a finger into his chest. She was suddenly very angry.

“Need what? Darcy, help me out here,” he pleaded. Catching her hand, he held it to his chest.

“I’m fine, I don’t need to talk to Sam about what happened,” Darcy blurted out.

“Darcy, you tried to kill yourself,” he said laying it out there and not tip-toeing around the fact.

“I-”

“You don’t want to talk to Thor, you don’t want to talk to Jane, you don’t want to talk to Steve and you don’t want to talk to me… You gotta help me here, Babe, because I don’t know what to do anymore. If you don’t want to talk to Sam, who do you want to talk to? Because I will make sure it happens. Just tell me. Tell me because I don’t know what to do to help you,” he pleaded, pulling her closer to him. There had to be something he could do to help, there just had to be.

“I just need to leave…” she trailed off, tugging herself from his grasp and picking up her suitcase.

“Baby, running away from your problems isn’t going to solve them. Let me help you. Let us help you. Talk to Sam, he’s your friend and he loves you and he wants to help you get better. If you would rather talk to a stranger, just tell me and I’ll make it happen.” Bucky plucked the suitcase from her hands and set it down beside him. He wasn’t going to lose the woman he loved over this. “I just think that talking to someone you know might be easier.”

“I don’t know what to do…” she said softly, her anger deflating and her entire body hunching in on itself as she made herself smaller. She was so confused and so lost.

“Just say you’ll talk to Sam,” Bucky begged, folding her in his arms. “Just once, and if you can’t do it, we’ll find another way.” They stood still silently together as Darcy wrestled with herself.

“Just once,” she agreed.

“That’s all anyone’s asking.” Bucky stuck his face in her hair. Inhaling, he muttered something unintelligible and Darcy cried. She would see Sam. If it would make him feel better, she would go. She could go at least once.

\---

Darcy stared off into space as she sat at the dining room table. One of the things she loved most in the world was painting her nails and doing nail art for herself. She always felt a sense of pride being able to show off her nails and tell people she’d done it. But now? Now she couldn’t seem to be bothered. So she sat at the small table, bottles of nail polish and dotting tools surrounding her but not moving.

“What’s wrong, sweetheart?” Steve asked, entering the kitchen and hovering over her shoulder, a concerned look on his face.

“I wanted to paint my nails…” Darcy trailed off, looking at the bottles.

“But?” he prompted her.

“I can’t bring myself to do it,” she said pitifully. Steve ran a hand through her hair once before sitting across from her. Taking a bottle of polish, he unscrewed the lid before gesturing for her hand.

“I’ll do it... and I’ll even paint something nice for you,” he added, wiping off one side of the brush before painting her nail. If she couldn’t do the things she loved on her own, he would help her.

\---

“Again,” ordered Natasha as Darcy hit the punching bag. The Widow had shown up out of nowhere and demanded Darcy go and train with her. She had hoped that Bucky would say something but he hadn’t, he’d just let the red head take her and so, Darcy had been hitting a punching bag for the last hour, while the Black Widow corrected her technique. Darcy was sweaty and tired and had just about had enough.

“Natasha, can we please stop for today?” she asked, arms shaking.

“You need to know how to protect yourself,” said the Black Widow. “A strong body is a strong mind.”

“I know, but I’m dying. Can we pick this up again tomorrow?” Darcy whined. Looking her over, Natasha nodded and gestured to the door. Watching the brunette take of at top speed, Natasha sighed. She wanted to help but this was the only way she knew how. Was she pushing her too hard? She hoped not.

\---

Clint positioned her in front of a target and handed her a bow. Darcy grumbled at him but took it.

“What are we doing here, Clint?” she asked suspiciously.

“Teaching you how to shoot,” he answered, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Why?”               

“Because distraction is good.” He shrugged and placed her hands on her bow. “Listen, I know you’ve probably heard it all by now, so I’m not going to say it all again. Instead we are going to focus on getting you a hobby. Having something to distract you from dwelling on negative thoughts will help keep you sane.” He helped her nock an arrow. “Just trust me on this…”

“Is this what you do?” she asked as she raised her arms and pointed at the target.

“Nah, this is work for me.” He fixed her stance. “Hopefully for you it will be enjoyable.”

“Then what’s the great Hawkeyes escape?” she queried, doing her best to aim. Letting go her arrow hit the edge of the target and he clapped her on the shoulder with enthusiasm.

“Not bad kid.” He helped her set up again. “If you ever tell anyone this I will deny it… only Tasha knows,” Clint threatened.

“It can’t be that bad.” Darcy rolled her eyes.

“I knit,” he said, covering a hand with his eyes.

“Shut up, you do not.” She lowered the bow to look at him, mouth hanging open.

“I picked it up from one of the acrobats in my circus days. Her mother taught her, she taught me, you get the idea.” He waved her off like it was nothing. “What? It’s calming, it keeps my hands busy and I can get in the zone and just focus on one thing.” He made her pick up the bow again and helped her aim this time.

“No judgement here.” And there wasn’t, from either side.

\---

Steve was hovering again. Since the incident, he’d taken to it, as though he thought if he was always around and always watching her, she wouldn’t be able to do it again. Not that she had any intention of trying to kill herself again, but this was getting a little ridiculous. Closing her book with a snap, she looked up at Steve, who had been reading over her shoulder. He jumped, startled by her sudden movement.

“Listen if you’re going to hover like this, then what’s the point of me even going home?” she griped. “We should all just live together.” Darcy waved the book in her hands around to make her point before realizing what she had just said. Tossing the book across the sofa, she closed her eyes and listened to the pregnant pause that was engulfing her. Why was the floor not opening up and swallowing her whole?

“That’s actually not a bad idea.” She jumped at Bucky’s sudden appearance. Her eyes flicked to his and then to Steve who looked like he didn’t know whether to be shocked or pensive.

“I was joking,” she said quickly.

“I wasn’t,” he said lightly as he put his keys in the bowl on the table in the hallway. Walking into the room, he leant against the chair across from her.

“We’ve been talking about asking you for a while now. We just didn’t know how to bring it up,” said Steve seriously.

“Don’t lie, you’re only asking me now because of what I did and somehow you feel responsible for it.” Darcy rolled her eyes. She was being blunt but she didn’t want to dance around what was bothering her.

“Darcy!” Steve moved back as if slapped. “We’re asking you because we love you,” he corrected her gently. “It’s just silly to have you keep going back and forth.”

“You don’t have to answer us now but think about it, Doll,” said Bucky reasonably. Bending down, Steve placed a kiss on her forehead before moving to the couch opposite of her and sitting down. The conversation was over. They had stated their arguments and now the ball was in her court. This was her decision, they didn’t want to force her and they were making that clear. Darcy blinked… she had some thinking to do.

_\---_

Therapy with Sam had been an affair, though thankfully a private one. It had started with Darcy clamming up and not wanting to talk but Sam charmed his way into her good graces. It hadn’t even felt like a therapy session until suddenly she was crying. She supposed the good thing about talking to Sam and not a stranger was that Sam could hug her when she needed it - and boy had she needed it.

\---

Looking out over the city, Darcy took in the fresh air. She had gotten up early this morning and was sitting on the balcony watching the sunrise. Today was a good day. Taking a sip of her coffee, she sat back and inhaled deeply.

“Miss Lewis, might I take up a moment of your time,” JARVIS queried. If she didn’t know better, she’d say he sounded a little off. Darcy had almost forgotten he was there, he hadn’t spoken to her in a while unless directly asked something.

“Sure, J. What can I do for you?” she answered him. There was a pause before he continued.

“I would like to apologize for my poor response time to your emergency. I fear that-”

“JARVIS, let me stop you right there,” Darcy interrupted him. She shook her head in disbelief. “I don’t blame you for anything, it was my decision to do what I did and you saved my life. I ordered you into privacy mode, if you hadn’t over ridden your own programming I would be dead.” An AI was asking for forgiveness from her, what was her life? “So instead of you apologizing to me, I should be thanking you for caring enough to fight to save me. Lord knows I wasn’t fighting for myself, okay JARVIS?”

“Yes, Miss Lewis,” he said, sounding relieved. “I would like to add that I am glad you survived.”

“Thanks, J, me too.” She smiled, looking up at the ceiling.

\---

_A.N: Real life has been kicking my ass and I haven’t had time to write as much as I would have liked but here’s another update for you all. I think there’s probably about one more chapter left._

_Friend me on_ [Tumblr](http://isneezestars.tumblr.com/) _and_ [Twitter](https://twitter.com/JDUrsini) _if you want to keep up with me. Let’s talk. Seriously._ _Check out my profile to find out more about me_ _. If anyone is interested, I’m conducting a little experiment and writing a novel on Tumblr about depression. You can check it out_ [ _HERE_ ](http://cassie-j-noble.tumblr.com/) _, it’s in Tumblr/Diary format and is completely free to read._


	13. UPDATE

 

Hey guys,

I just wanted to let you know what's going on with me right now... I keep trying to come back to Tumblr and AO3 but it's just not working out. I'm going  keep trying but holy crap I've had a shitty/ busy year.

 

Pretty sure anyone has read my fan fiction 'The Broken Ones' can tell that I struggle with bipolar/ depression/ anxiety... Well that got pretty bad and I had a huge set back and now I'm right back in it. I finally found something that worked for me but I had a bad reaction to it and developed psoriatic arthritis... So not only did I flowers for Algernon that shit but I lost the use of my hands for a while... And the will to really do anything.

 

I'm working on coming back guys and I do plan on finishing my fanfics and replying to you all but it's hard. I still don't have my arthritis or bipolar under control.

 

On a lighter note, I also graduated from a beauty college as an MUA and got married, so not everything was bad, just really tough. 

 

I hope we can talk soon and I really, really, really want to thank everyone who sent me messages because I read every single one and none of you know how much each of those comments meant to me. They really kept me going.

 

Also here's a couple of photos from my wedding! Now it was like you were all there with me!

 <http://isneezestars.tumblr.com/image/153507119249>


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